1 Cut, 2 Cut, 3 Cut, Etc.

I started cutting myself at the very end of my senior year of college. I learned from a friend. I remember the EXACT day I cut myself. I was sick of the world, sick of school, sick of people. So I cut myself, right before our choir concert. No one knew. No one knew for quite a while, until I had to admit it to my doctor at the time, with my parents in the room. It was not my ideal way of telling them. In a way it was good that they knew, because I didn't have to work so hard trying to hide the cuts and scars. I try to be honest with them, but they don't understand. I know self-injury is not the best way to deal with things. I know that. I really do. I would never recommend it. It's just that cutting, for me, makes me feel proactive. And I'm sure that makes no sense. I can't do anything. I swallow the medication they give me, and it doesn't help. I don't cut to die, I cut to live. To release pain, frustration, loneliness, rejection....and a million other reasons. It makes me feel just a little bit in control.

xclevermealsx xclevermealsx
22-25, F
2 Responses Mar 6, 2009

I get it. Its perfect. Its exactly that way for me. Its a pressure release valve. And sometimes the control is more about the WAY its released. I would rather feel pain outside than inside.

i cut to live is a perfect way of putting it...i am 21 been doing it since high school and just admitted it to my mother for the first time and i want to cut to stop the panic attacks but cant b/c my best friend said he would never speak to me again if i did it 1 more time but trying not to is like detoxing from a drug addiction...shaking sweating cant breath....it sucks