I Self-sabotage
Sometimes I have a way of sabotaging myself with somehow, subconsciously or otherwise, fabricating situations that abet me making excuses with regards not following through with something, conceiving myself entitlement to disregard.
This morning I pretended to be getting ready. I was scheduled to leave thirty minutes after she left to work. She was running late and I dreaded her still being here at the time I was supposed to have left for the orientation.
I had a backup plan for that possibility. Nonetheless, she might’ve suspected something.
She finally left without incident.
I don’t look forward to dragging this untruth further, but I’ll have to when we meet up later and she asks me how everything went.
She would be pretty disappointed and upset that I didn’t attend. Even madder about me lying about that.
I’m not lying to her with sinister intent. To avoid drama, she can’t know.
My world revolves around how we get along. When we have complications, my world becomes overcast.
I’m going to try very hard to quit with that self-sabotage way of thinking, because I don’t want to find myself in this kind of situation anymore where I resort to untruths in order to cover for that behavior. I want to resolve that issue of mine.
We’ve been doing alright, and I don’t want to lose that.
Update:
She asked me about that. I eluded, attempting to change the subject. And although she didn’t admit so, I thought she grew somewhat suspicious because, as I’ve always said, I’m not skilled at being a poker face. I felt she noticed that I couldn’t look her in the eyes while I was talking about that. Anyway, we went on about our evening and everything’s alright.
Early morning hours presently. Roomie's snoring away lol. I usually wake up at these hours. Every so often I like to do a late night ep thought purge. Anyway, going back to sleep. Gnight.
