For 8 Months It Was Dark

Hi, I'm not sure where to begin here. Well here it goes: November 1st 2006 I get an early morning phone call at my home in Nova Scotia, my mother who I had not been very close to for many years had passed away in the hospital. My mother had been fighting colon cancer for at least 5 years during which time she endured excruciating kemo by herself (by choice, she wanted to live without home/hospital care, she was quite a tough soul)!
She sent me away to live with my dad many years prior to this (like 15 years). During this time she was not at all in my life, except for my forceful intrusion into hers during her last 5 years on earth. This event came as quite a shock as my fiance and I were packing to take a trip to western Canada, like so many others on a quest for some sort of financial freedom found in the form of the oil sands in Alberta. I had a conversation with Mom on a Thursday where she said, "You should really come see me, Lani." (This was the first time she had said this in all those years). I felt bad because I didn't have the money to go. During this same conversation she lost her strength, her voice got raspy and she said she had to go in a faint and sickly tone, she literally did not have the strength to speak. Still I was believing God to heal her as I had learned He was capable and that He was totally willing to do so, yet Mom had said in a prior conversation she was not sure it was Gods will for her to be healed (but I was). Sadly my belief by itself was not enough to save her and she slipped from this life into the next the following Tuesday after that conversation.
For the next 7 months I mourned her; Sobbing at night over what could have been, that I could have made her love me, like me, even accept me. But all that never happened unfortunately, I did not even have the chance to say goodbye. All I was left with were questions, and many of them. Why did she do what she had done? How can you give birth to a child and never bond, never indeed care(in deed, i.e. in action).
Meanwhile our financial situation was still dismal to say the least. Ivan (my fiance) had gone to Alberta and returned disillusioned that his dream of financial excess had not yet transpired. Meanwhile we were literally living in my brothers basement (sad) we were struggling to find an apartment that allowed pets. On the trip to Manitoba we brought our ever-faithful cat Justice along for the ride. I was working as a Collection Agent (nice) and Ivan a lowly vending machine stocker, we were eating and merely surviving. I was soo stressed out that Ivan can attest to my coming home from work and me just bawling on the bed while staring into space, I could not believe life could be this bad. I felt dead inside, I had just lost my mother and I felt like a part of me had died too.
We finally found an apartment and filled it with stuff that had belonged to Mom (yeah it was a bit creepy but it was all that we had). We continued in our jobs until there was a listing for a security job in Calgary, we both jumped and left Justice with a cat sitter and set off on an 18 hour Geryhound journey which we were sure was gonna pay off at least one of our credit cards...Wrong! We were sent home after just 6 days of work, another dream shattered. We returned to Manitoba to work for the same security company at half the pay! One day not too long ago I woke up (you ever have one of those moods) you know, they stick with you the whole day and you are just venomous the whole day through? Yeah, well that was me, I could have potentially undone with my words all that we had been building by way of faith for months prior to this. I was so filled with hatred for our situation, all the slammed doors and failed opportunities, I literally felt it had been dark in our lives for 8 months straight. A week prior to this 'bad day' we were able to finally put Mom's ashes to rest (she had died like 8 months prior). It was a beautiful and sunny day when we buried her, I felt like a stranger who did not even belong there, she wanted nothing to do with me when she was alive, what on earth was I doing there? As we walked away from her plot, I realized she is not truly gone, she is only sleeping and I will see her again one day, until then she will live on in the eyes of those blood relatives she has left behind and as long as we have children she will continue to live on in us and through us. So I will not be robbed of closure forever after all, aint life funny?
Soo back to our lives in the here and now, we are still in security, I have been working at a construction site and speaking with a worker there, an entrepreneur who has just disclosed a business venture that will make our incomes inflate vastly. I want to be wealthy not for selfish ambition, but to help others and that we may be more comfortable from hereon in than poverty has made us in the past.
So, you see...The day I woke up(embarrassingly recent) and shouted and cursed at all the closed doors in my life, was the very day that I discovered a door that was opened just a crack with the light peeking through. Maybe God has convinced my mom of my worth somehow and she is up there praying for me ;)
LaniBooK LaniBooK
26-30, F
1 Response Jul 27, 2007

God I hope your luck changes for the good. <br />
I too have had a bad stream of things happen to me. <br />
I read your story and I am happy for you that you have someone to share your life with. <br />
I am by myself and I think i have a ****** life. my luck is bad, i have lost 2 people close to me and i just broke up with someone and they didn't even want me anyway!<br />
<br />
so good luck to you. <br />
I hope it all works out.