Torturing Myself

Tonight I am struggling with my emotions. And it seems like I should torture myself. I am an awful person. I hurt someone badly. And all he really wanted to do was love me and take care of me. He just didn't know what he was doing was being to protective and controlling. But, he really loved me. And I left, got selfish, and didn't want to live that way any more. Now, I am sitting here crying and wondering how much pain he is in. How he is managing. And I don't want to contact him just in case he has come to terms with what I did. So, I get to torture myself over this.

My torture is listening to old country music about love and leaving the ones you love or being left. And it makes me go over it in my mind. And I truly feel I am an awful person for hurting him so much. I am the one that messed it all up. I am the one who got bored and selfish. I needed more attention and he wasn't giving it to me. I went online and found my attention. Found an old male friend and started making plans. That wasn't enough. I become sexual on line with other men. I am truly a sick person. I really do deserve to be alone. I don't deserve to be loved, I only hurt other people.

And I don't even know how to love my kids. I tried a little this time. But, I screwed it up. And now they don't want me around either. My father stays away from me, my brother is too into himself to realize how awful I am. I don't blame anyone for not wanting to be around me. I am not a good preson. I just hurt others feelings all the time. And tonight, as I sit here in this mental anguish, I want to find a way to have physical pain to over come the mental anguish. And I don't know what to do. I can't leave any more scares on me. I promised I would stop banging my head. I wish I had a ruler, it would work for me.

Once I get in this place, it is hard to come back out. And I just can't stop listening to the music. I need to be reminded how awful I am. I am glad everyone is on line and doesn't really have to put up with me or be a close friend. I just hurt everyone around me, I leave and push everyone away. And don't worry, I made promises I wouldn't try to die, even though i want to. This is too painful. Instead, I am going to curl up with my blankie and see what I can do to just go to sleep or something.

And I know how wonderful so many of you are. You are going to disagree with me, try to pick me up, say nice things. That is all your opinion and until I can crawl out of this, I won't beleive it and will just argue with you about it. I just hurt too much right now.
dragonteach dragonteach
46-50, F
1 Response Dec 9, 2012

Keep your chin up. Remember, a **** in the hand, is worth two on the phone. "Love the one you're with!"

If I had one worth loving, I would love the one I am with. I am not staying in an abusive relationship. And it would be nice to just have the **** in my hand.

How about one in each hand?! No sense having a perfectly good hand go to waste.

that is fine and one in the mouth as well and I can think of some other places as well