Confused

OK, I wrote before that this woman said she wanted to be friends, but she is acting like nothing has changed. After a few days of stewing over it I made peace with the idea and was ready to move on as friends. She is a moody person but she has made me dinner and got made when I did come over when I said I was. I fell asleep because I had been working early these past weeks.

She says she wants me always to be part of her life. If I even mention of woman she says she is uncomfortable with the idea. I would be a little uncomfortable with the idea of her dating but I would respect her wishes. I don' t know, I am just very confused about how she is acting.  

My ex is getting another divorce and is emailing me say she still loves me and not to propose to this woman. I don't want my ex back at, but as soon as this friends thing came up my ex came out of the woodwork. She did not even know about my current situation. I guess I am the best friend to everyone but not the boyfriend or husband type. It is like woman feel comfortable being around me but this invisible barrier around me keeps them at a distance. I am just very confused about all this. 

Why is she saying one thing and doing another? Any insight on this would be appreciated. 

Librastar Librastar
36-40, M
7 Responses Feb 14, 2009

I found out the hard way not being clear on either end can cause problems. I told her that i value your friendship and I feel this is how we can grow by helping each other out as friends. I need to move on and so do you. Lesson learned and hopefully all will be well.

In my past I have met and kept back burner relationships. I kept it upfront and honest though. Okay maybe not all the time, but the ones I did keep honest, worked out the best. I made sure that what we were was clearly FBs and all other serious relationships would take prescience. Often I would get a call six months to eight months later saying that she found someone and wanted to be serious with them, and I was fine with it. <br />
I suppose what I am saying is that either she can accept that you and her are one thing or the other; serious and monogamous or FBs and still looking out there for the real thing.<br />
In my experience riding the fence and not being crystal clear is dangerous. <br />
Oh, also in the serious department, spelling it all out and having a pre-nup even as boyfriend and girlfriend is not a bad idea. I'm finding that detailed contracts are good for anything and the opposite is a simple marriage license which is a vague and open ended disaster waiting to happen.

In my past I have met and kept back burner relationships. I kept it upfront and honest though. Okay maybe not all the time, but the ones I did keep honest, worked out the best. I made sure that what we were was clearly FBs and all other serious relationships would take prescience. Often I would get a call six months to eight months later saying that she found someone and wanted to be serious with them, and I was fine with it. <br />
I suppose what I am saying is that either she can accept that you and her are one thing or the other; serious and monogamous or FBs and still looking out there for the real thing.<br />
In my experience riding the fence and not being crystal clear is dangerous. <br />
Oh, also in the serious department, spelling it all out and having a pre-nup even as boyfriend and girlfriend is not a bad idea. I'm finding that detailed contracts are good for anything and the opposite is a simple marriage license which is a vague and open ended disaster waiting to happen.

I must say I have to agree with you. I have never meet any of her family or her friends. It is like I am a side project of hers. I will faze her out without her even knowing it. Less and less contact until we no longer talk. Very insightful advice. thank you

I believe you are correct in your view on this subject. I think this is what must be done.

Liston to MizzBlue. She is obviously smarter than I am.

I am sorry, but this sounds like a classic case of 'I don't want you, but I don't want anyone else to have you either'. <br />
<br />
Sit down - talk straight to her - do not sugar coat it. (sometimes women need this). <br />
Ask her [point blank - do you want a relationship with me that is more than friends? DO you want a full time committed relationship with me?'. <br />
See what she says. If she TRULY wants to have you as a friend - true friends want their friends to be happy, and if being in a relationship with a woman makes you happy, than she should allow this.<br />
<br />
So - talk to her first. If she truly wants to be friends and can not stand to have you around other women, you may need to let her go ....