Innocence Lost

I was seventeen and out with friends. I asked for a ride home with one of them but the car was full. I would usually phone my mother to come pick me up but she had my little neice staying and I didn't want to wake the baby. So, I decided to walk. That was my first mistake.
I thought being on the main road I'd be ok, lots of cars going by, but the irony of it is... he followed me through an alley, and a park, and didn't approach me until we stepped out onto the main road. At first, I thought it would be ok because he said he'd walk me home. I appreciated his "concern" and began to speak to him. That was my second mistake.
He grabbed me, so fast, and hauled me sideways into an alleyway between two buildings. I screamed, kicked, faught, at one point I bit him, and did everything I'd ever heard you should. But to no avail. He was big, stocky and I was completely at his mercy.
I heard people coming. He whispered at me "Shut up or you're dead!" and pushed me down onto the dirty ground. My neck snapped sideways, his hand was on my face, pushing it into the dirt. I had dirt in my mouth, up my nose, between my teeth. I thought I was dead.
The people walked past the alleyway, oblivious to the violence going on right by them. When they left he let my face go and I coughed in the cold night air, thankful for it stinging my throat. It happened too fast for me to feel any fear. I was running on adrenilin.
He removed my underwear one handed, the other hand held me still across my chest. Then he raped me, both of his hands wrapping around my throat, getting tighter and tighter. This time I WAS going to die, I knew it.
Then I remembered reading something once, about a woman who was gang raped and her strange, yet effective way of getting out of it! A light went off in my head. I went limp. Stopped fighting. He removed his hands from my neck and looked at me weirdly.
"Go on then!" I shouted at him, no idea where the courage came from "You want to hurt me? Do it!"
He backed away, looking frightened, and asked me if I wanted a taxi.
Like I was a hooker he'd just finished with.
But it worked! WHen I stopped being afraid, he lost interest completely. It was my fear he wanted but I took it back from him and he returned to being the small, insignificant man he'd always felt he was immediately.
They never found him even though I went to the police and put up with all the forensic tests and the questioning. He disappeared into the night and will, I'm sure, be judged by a higher power. I just hope nobody else got the same treatment, or worse in the meantime.
I don't care what his motives were, am not interested in him as a human being, I don't hate him, I forgive him his ignorance, but I'm not really interested in why he did that to me - only that it was wrong and he shouldn't have.
I was young and foolish, trusting and foolishly bulletproof.
The punishment for that is not rape!
I should be dead, I believe. A statistic, a murder victim.
I thank god every day that that isn't the case.
BBWKiwimouse BBWKiwimouse
36-40, F
2 Responses Aug 8, 2010

i should have read this a long time ago......glad you're here to share with me....you're my strength now

I'm grateful something horrible didn't end into fatality. and I pray that u get the strength to come out of it's effects , as you are doing now , by sharing the story.Love n Hugs