I Let Go And Drift Softly Away ...

Yes , it is instinct with me , if someone does something hurtful enough I will automatically start to build walls .

The shallow pleasantries will continue .. I will ask them how they are ...their family, I will ask them if they have seen the latest show on cable , I keep them talking about their favorite subject themselves , the subject of me stops , I will no longer share about me if asked I will just give vague general answers ,,, all the while the walls are slowly going up , the doors are closing and I am drifting away.

It hurts less , to let myself drift slowly away from them ..a "gentle" shutting out..*sighs*
I don't know how or why or even when this became part of my defense mechanism . I just know it has .

The one wish I have is that in my drifting away , I could feel less for them, but I don't . I still hurt and grieve
the end of the relationship , no matter how hurtful the deed or insult was .

I guess in that drifting I try to extend to them the last hand of friendship , making it easy for them to forget me , to not think of me and to not miss me at all ... in this I am kinder to them than to myself .
softkitti softkitti
22-25, F
11 Responses Aug 13, 2010

I can't believe people PM'd about this, I'd like to know how they act "healthy" in the same situations. Again, you & I have this in common like so many other things. I learned to let go because I had no choice when I was very young and when I let go, there is no fight, there is no yelling, there is no begging,...which may not be easier for the other person but it definitely is for me. But like I said, this only happens when the person shows him/herself to not be a true friend anyway, so chances are they really don't care even if they think that they do. I don't try to get what I want from other people. There is no point to that, it doesn't work. So, you realize the truth & let go. And like you said, it's how your heart survives. It's how my heart survives to try again. I can't have every disappointment in people & every betrayal rip my heart out because there have been many. I can't add a riot on top of that. It's bad enough as it is so it's better for me to make it as easy & less traumatic as possible. As you said right in your original post, it is a defense mechanism...it is the survival instinct that kicks in and saves us to try another day & not become bitter. It works. I'm keeping it!

Yes Lucid exactly ... I have seen others that will confront and demand to know why the people are not acting the way they should .. that way always seemed to be such a sad way ... you cannot in life expect everyone to love you or even care the way you do .. this darling I have learned very very young , you must accept the fact that some people will not care and may even hurt you deeply .. to be honest some people have pm about this post and said that this isnt exactly a healthy way *giggles and shrugs* maybe it is not .. maybe it is ..I know this is how my heart survives ... It is good to know though from the comments I am not the only one that does this .. yayayay Im not a freak !!*grabs Lucids hands and dances around*

I know you wrote this a while ago but I don't think I ever read it before, I'm like this also with people that I thought were better friends than they turned out to be, meaning I really cared about them but then realized for whatever reason it wasn't going to work out the way I had hoped or they weren't who I thought they were. In that case, I will do this drifting away, widening the gap, kind of escape. But for people that I really love & really hurt me, I will tell them I am leaving & it's over or just vanish from their lives but it's an obvious goodbye not gradual. Now, this isn't just anyone that I love & who hurts me badly, it's kind of like you said, it's people that I come to realize do not really care for me or love me, people that because I so loved them & asked so little of them that it took me a while to realize that they really weren't there for me when I needed them. And just like a light turning on, when I realize this, my feelings for them turn off. It's as you say, a defense mechanism but these are the wounds that leave scars. They are out of my life but not forgotten. You live, learn, hopefully, let go, & move on.

*whispers to Kitti*... they don't know... but it's our NeVeRLaND here beyond the walls... shhh...

ohh .. of course you can darling .. come on aboard ....you already have an eyepatch you can be the pirate captain .. *hugs*

*sighs* yes .. oh Sylph life has taught me this trick as I am sure it has you , .. for me it has taught me that without walls ..someone can come and hurt you so badly .. that you wish you were nothing , invisible.... so pain wont find you . no?.. *holds Sylph hand behind the wall safe and sound*

*Sylph tries in vain to climb the wall... (feels like I've done this before in another story)... wings would help, dammit*...<br />
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Oh, Kitti... it's like having a mirror faced right before me reading this... I can't say either if it's good or bad... walls are just safer, I think... for me... and you... until someone else comes close to climbing it...<br />
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The mortals never do... and so we sit here... inside our wall... I'll keep you company, Kitti...

that is a good tactic geetar alot better than mine .. that is for sure .. teach me oh wise guru !=-)<br />
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*hugs destry* I dont know if this way is good or bad I just know its me ...<br />
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ah la la ...scribs .. I dont see it as a kill .. more of a laying to rest ...

that's really interesting,sweetie...a sort of a slow and silent kill i see

*giggles ... starts paddling her boat even quicker .. racing with MM*

*Sees kitti drifting away and runs behind her so that her drifts never shortens the distance betn them*...What will you do if they run like this and shorten the distance created by your drifting?