My Family Is Messed Up And I Am Messed Up And The World Is Messed Up

I just had dinner with my sister and my mother, I live in a fourplex that my parents own and they rent suites to me and my sister for cheap. My sister has a 13 year old, and for the most part this setup works. I have my own space, but I am close to my family if I ever need anything or to have dinner and talk.

Except the reason why I am so ****** up is largely due to my family, though I don’t blame them but I can see what has happened and I wish to never be like them.

Its why I hate myself so much, because I cannot be perfect. I just can’t no matter how hard I try sometimes I just react and I hate it!

Like now. My sis says that my niece’s friend told her that his dad just beat him, and when his mom is there he beats her up. My sis doesn’t know what to do, if she should say anything, or who to involve. We started to talk about it, and I right of way was like of course you should say something to the police or social services.

Cuz in my mind its just not ok! but then they started to go on, and I started to get really angry. Like my mother saying, well you never know with kids, it could be not that bad, my sis saying that going to a home could be worse.

Which that attitude really ****** me off in people. Like your going to stay ******* apathetic because you can convince yourself that it could be not that serious?

That is what is wrong with this world. To many people willing to bend the rules and convince the mind that even a little bit of anything terrible and devastating is ok. Its not ok.

Quite allowing yourself to make excuses and just say, no its not ok. You can’t change people but you can change your reaction and hopefully situation to escape confrontation.

Children and teens can’t really do that, at least many cannot. So I get irked, and start to get right angry.

Its not just that, thinking about other people, I know i’m thinking about myself to. Everytime they talk about stuff, I just think of how they have talked about me. How they have dealt with my issue for so so long.
It ****** me off.

The apathy, I hate it in myself and I hate it in them. For so long escape has been my desire- from these people, because I don’t want to blame or hate them, I just want to stop being affected by them.

I think that is what anyone and everyone can ask and deserves when they are faced with people full of hate and anger towards you. Perfection is impossible to expect it is unrealistic, but, nobody should be in a situation where it is not healthy for them.

Forgiveness is necessary to heal, but that doesn’t mean you still subject yourself to the behaviour. If you want to heal you need to remove yourself from the situation and then work on that.

For me, moving into this fourplex has allowed me to heal a lot, because I was removed from the source and place of so much contempt and anger and confrontation. Here I have control over my space and when I want to be alone I can be without anyone able to force themselves in my face.

Though of course, my family is still in the building so that is not always true and while I hate to have to think of it, I know that separation is necessary for me to heal.
So when they talk about stuff, and I think about myself, I can get really angry. Angry thinking about how they convinced themselves that I have been ok without any real help for so long.

Now that i’m an adult I want no help, but I imagine how much a difference someone doing the right thing for my situation would have made when I was young and still growing.

But I know that people in this world don’t even know what is right and wrong and they to can convince themselves of anything they just don’t realize that is how it works.

I can’t hate on them for questioning like they did in this situation about this kid, or for ******* with my head so much and never seeming to really care about the affect. I don’t feel justified because feeling justified would mean expecting perfection from people. Which I know I cannot expect.

But it still ****** me off and i’m left with so much anger and nobody to take it out on, or no way of dealing that is healthy. Its just an overwhelming amount of anger sometimes, and then also guilt for that anger, upsetness that I let things bother me.

So much turmoil that I feel I take inside instead of directing out, and I just don’t know how to properly deal with that, but its so that time in my life that I want to.

One way I have learned to deal is to escape. To escape people that cause harm- how can there be a better way when you are trying to not hate and hold anger towards someone but also to not feel so much anger as well.

I just think that is what everyone needs for themselves to. Escape the source of your pain when it comes directly from outside of you, no matter if its family or friends that you still love, its about healing yourself and that should be top priority for everyone.
ForgetHate ForgetHate
26-30, F
1 Response Jan 16, 2013

Exercise helps blow off steam.