Senselessly.

I have this sweet online friend from qatar who always calls me intermittently to find out how i am doing. i don't know why. i push him away all the time and over the phone i express such disinterest to talk to him. he is actually like a father figure for me (older and nurturing), but i have had phone sex with him many times in the past. yes that was weird...(which group does that story fit in? lol). and then when things got difficult for me financially he turned more into the nurturing parent. he has a family of his own in india but he always finds time to think of me. today he called me and i didnt answer the call. he always asks me if i have found any job yet and that awkward moment between my no and his next response just makes me sick every time. that's what i try to avoid. but strangely, after every time i put the phone down i smile that someone so bigger and so far from me actually cares....i have known him for over a year and he has been my secret box for so many memories. and i have been his. i miss our closeness. i crave it right now. but i cant force myself to stop pushing him away. thats when i know this shutting people out thing is so dysfunctional and wrong......bf.
TheRealMimi TheRealMimi
31-35, F
1 Response Mar 12, 2010

Lol...besides the phone sex? Haha. I don't know. There are some ppl who are actually genuinely sweet online (i am one of them and so are yoooou, don't deny it) so i don't doubt him. We both enjoyed the phone sex but i have lost my interest in that with him (maybe coz i see him as a father now). Maybe he just wants that but i am a good judge of character and i don't sense that from him. And even if he did want something else, i don't have anything to give him. I'm broke. Lol....bf.