I'm Afraid It Might Not Be Possible For Me To Ever Be Happy

I don't ever really remember being happy about anything.  ever.  and i don't really know what it it that keeps me going every day when it would be so much easier to throw myself in front of traffic.  you see I've got so much going for me : a benign brain tumor that grows back every several years and distorts my reality so much that I don't know up from down most days, a wife that I've pretty much disappointed every day for about 12 years now.  I'm like a vampire sucking the life forces out of the family i don't deserve - someone should shoot me with a silver bullet or whatever.  my kids deserve a kind caring father which they certainly don't have now. 

well it doesn't really matter does it?  writing a few lines about how terrible i feel are not going to help solve anything, I guess I'll just keep muddling thru until the tumor finally does take me.  which i hope is sooner than later so that my family can maybe get their lives in order and some semblence of joy or happyness.

notalostcause notalostcause
36-40, M
3 Responses Feb 24, 2010

you are not all the things you say you are, and you are worth so much more than you hold your self as. do you know why they stay with you? why your wife and children are still there? they love you, they know better than anyone that you are worth the chance, the worry, all that and more because you are called to be someone. you will be changed and will tell others of it. life is something that cannot always be pin pointed. listin to me, you are worth it all. they know it i know it. you are here for a purpose. pray, i will be prayign with you.<br />
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there is a woman named cathy in our church, the doctors told her that she was going to die that night, my pastor prayed. she was in a comma, the doctors had no idea what was wrong with her, they said she would die in a week. she was put on a machine, they said she was not breathing on her own at all. then she woke up. they said it was a merrical but she will be a veg all her life... today a month later she is smiling, kicking her legs and ia almost fully recovered. were still believing in faith for her. as i am for you...

Did you know that your tumor coupled with radiation can change your view of reality? I wonder what your kids would say about you.Woulds they think they should have a different Daddy?You may get better you may not I don't know.But the least those kids deserve is the memory of a Dad who loved them enough to stop moping and spend every moment you are physically able making good memories.It could be that was your purpose in living in the first place.To produce and form the basic structure of your children's lives. I have attempted suicide 3 times and I thank God now I wasn;t good at it,Because now I know I was all consumed with Me What was best for ME Well when you have kids the ME has to be put aside for the THEM.That is the unspoken promise a parent gives when they decide to keep and raise a child.If you want to do right by them ,do it.

hi Kindal,<br />
I'm 39 now, I went thru all kinds of counselling which only made things worse. i had a suicide attempt when i was 27....the overdose didn't do it...5 years after that i got the diagnosis of brain tumor, and now i seem to be sliding down the final series of spirals where things just keep getting worse somehow. I know now that my life has been a waste and it's probably too late to resolve any of it. Dammit my wife and kids deserve someone much better than me . sorry I'm at week 5 of 6 weeks of radiation and feel like hell. I'm too damn tired to bother keeeping up appearances.