Loneliness Is Slowly Killing Me

I grew up with a serious lack of social skills. Over the years I have forced myself to improve (refer to my other story if you have time). Now I am more or less sociable and can actually talk to people. Not girls I like, though, I feel terrified and act all weird around them. The more I like a girl, the more awkward I behave. Also, most of my life I was overweight and overall unattractive. I considered this to be the reason for my failure. Then I lost weight, gained height and my face just got adult-like factions. Now I'm considered handsome by most women, but it makes no difference, I lack the experience and confidence to win the heart of a woman. The result has been a list of women who want me, but I don't like them (their personalities). On the other side, a list of women I like, but have abosolutely no way of getting to them. At age 16, I fell in love with my best friend. I was rejected, and it hurt like hell. That was the first time I experienced love. It was amazing, even though I was not loved back, just having something to look forward to. I became convinced that love is the feeling that constitutes the very escence of life.

Loniless has got to me in ways you can't imagine. My brain fills the empty space by "loving" any girl I find attractive and cool. I develop strong feelings for girls who I barely know. I know this is not what love is, it is just an escape mechanism to fill in the gaps. I am 19 years old, still never had a girlfriend. My first kiss happened just some months ago, and I'm still a virgin. I had a chance to have sex some time ago, but I just couldn't do it. I guess my insecurities have translated into intimacy issues. To be honest, I no longer care about the sex part. I just want love, I crave it. People don't understand why I'm so hopeless: I am constantly told that I am brilliant, talented and attractive, that I could have almost any girl I wanted. I read about girls being sick of the same guys, and just wanting someone who will love and respect them. I just don't buy it anymore. If I found a girl, I would love infinitely, I would protect her and never do anything to hurt her. I like to write poems for girls that don't even know me. I would give it all up, my "promising" career, my money, my possesions, give up EVERYTHING if I could just find my soulmate. That seems to be the only thing that motivates me, the only thing I live for, what makes me wake up everyday. But I am losing hope every day.

Could it be that I have romantizized love too much? Could I be asking for too much? I am not shallow at all, I consider most girls beautiful. It might sound like rubbish, but I'm 1,000 times more interested on the inside. I just want a girl who is deep, smart, fun, and just one of those people who make a difference. Most girls I could have are not like that, and the once that are, I see them as being out of my reach completely.
Becks7 Becks7
18-21, M
1 Response Feb 8, 2013

Nope it is a part of the human condition, you will have the questions all your life.
Now, the trick is to separate the real from your imagination.
try journaling. use three, one for everything. then as you get past some issues, once a month or once a week. then go back and put all the imagined issues in one & the reality in another. that way you can begin to distinguish between them.
what you will learn? is about yourself!

You sound very nice/cool. enjoy yourself.