Not Many Tears Left...I've read stories on EP about crying (crying for different reasons), and I have to say that all of them are extremely heartfelt. Hey, they make me want to tear up if I stop to think about them for long.
Actually, there's two reasons why I joined the EP community. 1) I joined because I liked what I saw on here - a community of people to share stories about, you know, things on their minds, confessions, and to answer questions and read individual responses. All of that is designed to help anyone who's just willing to take a look. It definitely helped me. It made me smile.
And then there's 2). Aside from wanting to do my part and help others out, I'm not without my own issues - some of the heart, some of the soul...but what really gets me feeling pretty hopeless is my own body. See, I have MS (Multiple Sclerosis). It's a neurological disease that can (and has) caused numbness in parts of my body. Anyway, enough about that. It's not what urges me to "share my story."
For about a year, I've been struggling from what I guess is an after affect of a stroke I suffered from probably being way too stressed at the time. That's all over and done with, because, okay, I had the stroke. Now it's way passed over with. I'm feeling good and everything's fine...until I stand up. And it's strange, because sometimes I'm completely okay when I walk around my house or my family's home. It's when I'm surrounded by people, like when I go grocery shopping or to the mall that I begin to "lose it." IT would be my focus, I'm sure. For whatever reason I become extremely fearful when I come to any sort of stair steps. I just can't will myself to even go three steps up or down. I feel like I'm going to fall. I'm only 5'7", so if I ever did fall I know I would be able to catch myself with very minimal pain suffered in the act.
Here's the doosy, though...nothing is wrong with my body. Absolutely nothing. For some reason, I have a tough time walking around at school or basically anywhere in public, without leaning against a wall or on a rail. But there's no rails on sidewalks that go down streets. Sooner or later I'm going to have to face going up stairs instead of taking the elevator. I'm going to have to be around lots of people, eventually, that's outside of my university. It's just that now...I am totally freaked out by the very simple ideas that I used to take for granted, like even talking to my mailbox. Yes, that does scare me, too. So there's no rail to hold on to that goes all over when I'm outside, but I do have a cane that I use at school or when I'm out shopping. Too bad even the cane bothers me, because I'm 25 years old!
But I will never say "fml." I've experienced lots of wonderful things in my life, and I don't have any regrets. I just wish I could figure this one thing out.... I can't even say that this frustration has led me to cry over it, yet. And still, I thank God in good and bad things. Because I'm still here. I'm still alive and know that no matter how tough things get they could always be worse, mostly that's after the fact. I won't cry. Well, maybe just a few tears.