Smoking To Forget

I'm not really sure when this became the reason to have a smoke, it's certainly not the reason I started.... that's an easy one.  To fit in with the group, prove what a bad-*** I am etc (please bare in mind I was 13yrs old so it seemed pretty hardcore).  I enjoyed the physical effects from the first time I tried it, & still do.  However, at some point my motivation for smoking seems to have changed, & I never even noticed it happen.  Anyway, I now find myself in the position where it feels that to get through a day, I need to have a smoke.  It's not a physical addiction.  I've gone weeks & months without smoking, at times, & the only physical effect has been a little nicotine withdrawal, but that only lasts a day or so.  & it's not a mental / habitual addiction... I don't feel any compulsion to smoke... It's just, without being able to suppress thoughts & feelings, life doesn't seem bearable.  

13thejoker 13thejoker
31-35, M
3 Responses Feb 26, 2010

I pretty much completely relate to your story. I started smoking to fit in and make more friends and what not. I liked the effects, eventually smoked because I liked the effects and it was fun(And like you I still do).<br />
And also like you I do it to suppress thoughts. I find that if I smoke at the end of each day I have trouble recalling what I did that day. I remember a lot of stuff from the day, but eventually over time I forget it, and the more and more I smoke the more and more I forget.

I empathise with you there 'jadetemple'... the best way I can describe it is that until I've had a smoke I dont feel normal. Depression is a horrible thing to be affected by, it really does permeate every aspect of your life. I've given up on meds myself, never found one that didn't have side-effects as bad as the depression. My only real issue with Marajuana is that, combined with the depresssion, I end up doing very little.

For me if I don't smoke, I can't eat or sleep.. Its the only way to control my depression and anxiety disorder.. I tried other meds and med combos but nothing helped.. At least when I smoke, I'm happy, healthy and functional..