My Addiction

I started smoking weed twelve years ago at the age of forty. I have never been a big drinker or a cigarette smoker so it surprised me that smoking weed would be something I became addicted to. Yes, I am well aware of all the pedantic arguments about marijuana addiction; it is not physically addictive. But there can be no denying that for some people it can be very psychologically addictive, especially if smoked on a daily basis.

I love weed. I believe it should be legalized. But my own problem is that I have watched my life go down the toilet since I started smoking it. I used to be a very sociable person with strong ambitions and a successful career. These days I do as little work as possible, having closed my business and dropped out of the full time job I had for the last three years. I told myself I needed more free time to concentrate on my writing and my pursuit of freelance work but, in all honesty, I have spent the past six months sitting around the house getting high, watching mindless TV and surfing the web for hours on end. Even the Experience Project has become a fixation for me and I have no idea what the attraction is. Maybe I don't want to feel so alone? maybe I want other people to tell me they have the same problems, maybe I want affirmation that it isn't the weed that is causing my depression, apathy, lack of motivation and anti-social behaviour.

I avoid the phone. I never answer the doorbell unless I know somebody is coming over. I never go out with friends or invite people round for dinner. I feel wretched and there's a constant knot of anxiety in the pit of my stomach all the time; a gnawing that I can't assuage. I have become the kind of person I always used to condemn but I don't seem capable of facing up to it or making any kind of change in my smoking habits.

I can stop smoking without too much problem as long as I go away from my home to a place where there is no weed and no possibility of getting it. But as soon as I get back home I can't get through the evening without a few tokes. I don't think I even enjoy it any more, it just makes me feel detached and insular.

I would go to a narcotics annonymous meeting if they weren't all based on spirituality of some kind. I would take medication if there was something that might stop me craving escape from reality. There is nothing particularly wrong with my life so why do I have this desperate need to run away?

I feel like a pathetic human being; a waster, a complainer, a non-participant. Most of all I hate the fact that I am systematically ruining my life. No job, no money, no ambition. I can't continue for much longer because I've cashed in my pension plan, spent all my savings and have only enough money left for one more mortgage payment before I start relying on credit cards.

I am better than this.

Does anyone have any words of wisdom or similat circumstances?
Sighman Sighman
51-55, M
2 Responses May 10, 2012

Hey Mr. Hilfiger! I really appreciate you taking the time to write such a respectful and intelligent response to my story. You see to have watched addiction at it's worst and have seen what it can do to a person's life.<br />
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I stopped smoking for a month in January this year but it was only possible because I went to England to visit family. Not only was there no weed around but I was very busy so my mind was fully occupied. A few small physical side-effects of withdrawal but nothing more than a few restless nights and some sweating. I returned to the US thinking I'd cracked it. Within two days of being home I was smoking again.<br />
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You are right; I can't do this alone. I am already seeing a psychiatrist but I honestly don't see anything particularly wrong with my life. I have a partner, we have a nice house, we have friends etc but I am no longer interested in any of it. The thought of giving up pot is very difficult when pot seems to be the only refuge you have, the only peace you can find. <br />
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Once again, thanks for your response. Your brother is very lucky to have you around.

hey u might think im to young and stuff but i get u man it seems that you are in the point where you cant do it by yourself anymore. You might need help sir. Im saying it in a good way you know im not offending you in any way but look there's a point in which you just cant do it by yourself this happens with any drug from caffeine to heroine my brother he is 29 and since i was young ive seen him drink non<x>stop he has been in rehab about ten times he is an alcoholic i grew up watching his life getting more and more messed up <br />
at first he used to say that he could stop but he didnt he never did his alcoholism became a big problem he is the father of 4 lil girls can u imagine it and he just wont stop drinking he would go drink and not get home in a whole week then be sober for 2 or 3 weeks and drink again he cant stay in a formal job he has never had a formal job ever this has been happening for the last 12 years. Do you think he likes to see his daughters suffering? do u think he is proud about it? NO he doesnt but he just cant do it. Ok so back to you i relate you to my bro cuz both of you just cant stop no matter how hard you try you just wont do it by yourself you need some sort of help my brother has been in rehab but that doesnt really help after leaving rehab he would be sober for a month 2 months max and drink again you sir need to find help that suits you if you really want to put an end to this look for help theres lots of places where people would be glad to help you and they wont judge you they can understand you better than I and other people cause they have been thought it.<br />
As for me ive smoke weed for 3 years but i control it i dont smoke everyday just every now and then and i know that if ever i start to have a problem with it i would quit right away at least for a few months just to get back to reality. Thats what u need sir u just need to get back to reality for a few weeks months if possible and reconsider your actions you were probably high when you wrote this so just back to reality and look for help that all i can say to you i hope i helped