Wicked Addiction

I honestly don't know where to start with my addiction. I guess I will start with my health. I have had migraine headaches since I was 18, I am now 25. After trying all of the preventative medications along with many other prescription medications used to treat migraines with no success, my neurologist prescribed me Percocet. At first, I just took them as needed when I had a migraine. I started dating a guy and one day he and I took some to have a good time and feel good. We would periodically do this just to have a good time, probably once every couple of weeks because I had such severe migraines, I didn't want to waste the only medication that provided me relief. Some time later (I'm thinking a couple of years but time passes by so quickly i don't know for sure) we became routine users. We were taking at least 1 a day each, along with occasionally experimenting with other street drugs like cocaine, ecstasy, acid, shrooms, obviously weed. We continued to take pills daily, increasing the amount as time passed. We continued this behavior for a while when I met a friend at school who I found out sold cocaine. We became really good friends and my boyfriend and I began doing that as well as pills. We got really hooked on coke because my friend was a dealer so she would just give us a gram to do favors for her, like school work or anything she needed done. Over time, my boyfriend and I racked up huge credit card bills, so I began stripping to pay these bills off. Really though, I was stripping to take care of my addiction. Not only was I buying pills when we didn't have our own script, but I was also buying coke. I got into both off these drugs pretty hard because of the stripping. My boyfriend and I began snorting the pills, not every time, but it was a better high, so we did it when we could. Eventually we only snorted the pills. I danced for 2 years, and the whole time I was doing coke and pills. I stopped dancing because my parents found out, and I also stopped coke, but I was still snorting pills. I forgot to mention in there somewhere that my boyfriend starting getting lortabs for his back, and each month the doctor increased his amount, so we were eventually getting 150 Lortabs and 30 Percocets every month. in October 2012, we got engaged, and at this point we completely relied on pills to get us through our days. If we didn't have any, we went looking for some, and if we couldn't find any, we went through big time withdrawals. I think at this point we were taking 10-15 pills a day combined. If we didn't have pills in our system, we were super depressed, more so me. I was planning a wedding and I was completely depressed the whole time. I didn't have fun planning like all future brides are supposed to. I was gaining weight, I was lazy, and I began developing respiratory issues, like allergies. I went to my ENT and he looked up my nose and said, " you have a bunch of blue crap up your nose.". My mom was with me and i panicked, so i made up an excuse that it had to do with cleaning my fiances bathroom, which had the same color cheap paint. It was a ridiculous excuse but they bought it and just put me on antibiotics. I was always sick and I stayed this way to my wedding day. We were still snorting all of our pills, but every now and the. We would eat one or two along with snorting them. Even on my wedding day, my now husband and I crushed up pills and put them in separate vials so we could sneak off and snort pills of we needed to. I say "need" because we really did need to or our noses and throats would start to hurt really bad. I was even in the bathroom at one point during my wedding and one of my bridesmaids said "you have blue in your nose." I just quickly wiped it away and acted like it was no big deal. While planning the wedding we decided to go to Europe for our honeymoon. We of course thought about our pill addiction and he scheduled his doctor appointment for a day before the wedding so we had a full script to last us for the 2.5 weeks we planned on staying. With now many pills we were doing, this was not enough so he made up some excuse that he couldn't get a script before our trip and he asked his dad to "borrow" some of his (they were the same kind, which I forgot to mention we stole tons of his up until he and my husbands mom got a divorce about a half a year prior). He gave him almost 100 extra pills, so we should have been good. We had to leave he day after our wedding and we had a long flight so we crushed up a bunch of pills to last us on the airplane. Again, we could only go so long with snorting some before our noses a throats killed. Also at this point my nose was so stuffed I couldn't breathe out of it, but I would still snort the pills and then snort water afterwards. When we got to Europe everything was perfect and we had pills and we were happy. We went crazy the first few days and did way more than we budgeted out. WE RAN OUT AFTER 5 DAYS. We both got super sick from withdrawals and it was so bad we had to see a doctor. He prescribed us both codeine, but we couldn't snort that, only take it. The pain in our noses and throats was indescribable. We were going through boxes of tissues blowing our noses, just blowing tons of snot and stuff out of our noses. It was never ending. I was also experiencing severe mouth pain that I couldn't do anything about. We were constantly trying to come up with plans to find more pills, but we were in a foreign country and there was nothing we could do. We were miserable our entire honeymoon. We even took a few trips to other countries and we just felt awful the whole time. Here is where it gets bad. I started to blow out scabs and one day when we went to our friends place to swim(we had friends in Europe we were staying with), I decided to look up my nose with a flashlight. I saw infection and a HOLE! I put a Q-tip right through it! I cried to my husband and I was so scared. I continued to blow scabs and infection out of my nose the rest of the trip, but I could now breathe through my nose, and my husband and I made it through the withdrawal stage. We thought that we beat our addiction, but we both were still miserable. We wanted to go home and get more pills. That is all we knew and what made us happy for a few years. We looked into flying home early, but it was 1000s of dollars and all flights were booked because of the Olympics. We only had 6 days left of the trip so we toughed it out and then the day came to go home! We were still wanting pills so we were thinking of ways to get some once we got home. The flight home was horrible because since we were so dependent on pills to sleep, we couldn't sleep at all the whole trip or the flight home. I got a horrible migraine and there was nothing I could do to make it to away. We finally landed and took the bus home. We went to pick up our dogs from the boarding facility and we went home and slept. The next day we ended up finding pills, but we didn't snort them, we took them. Since we went so long without them, one made us feel good. We were so happy. I was still blowing out scabs and at this point the hole was getting bigger. Finally, huge chunks of dead cartilage came out. We freaked out because he hole was the size of a dime. My husband had his mom check it out and she assumed that since I was so sick that the infection in my nose caused it. She is a nurse and apparently if you have a bad enough infection, that could happen. She got me a few things to treat it and she didn't even think drugs were an option. I of course did not tell my parents. Neither of our parents knew about our addiction. How stupid were we to start taking pills again after we were clean for 2 weeks because of course the addiction started back up. We weren't snorting them because of my nose and the hole, which was now the size of a quarter,but we were addicted again. We told ourselves we never wanted to snort pills again because we didn't want to go through what we did in Europe and we wanted my nose to heal. One day several weeks later, we decided to snort a pill for old times same. That was the worst decision we could have ever made because now, to his day we are super addicted AGAIN to snorting pills. I now barely have a septum, and a huge infection because we started snorting pills again. We can't go more than a few hours without snorting some powder or it is extremely painful, so we are in debt in a huge way and the bills are all a month behind because of our addiction. I am always sick and I can't even go to the doctor because we don't have insurance. I am super depressed because I am an addict and I am always sick and nothing makes me happy anymore. I don't even get high from pills, I just snort powder to not hurt. Even if I could go to the doctor I couldn't let them look at my nose because the inside is ways covered in powder. I NEED to stop before my nose collapses. I have only been married 6 months and I am already unhappy because I need pills to go on, but I can't even do anything. I lost my job because I am always sick, so all I do is sleep all day. I need help. I am afraid to quit and go through the pain again, but I have to or I will die. Rehab is not an option because our family does not know anything about our addiction or even that we take pills, we have to do this on our own. Any advice or encouragement is welcome. I have three dogs and a cat that need their mommy to be healthy again. I need to get healthy for myself and my husband, I just need help being strong. Please send positive vibes my way because we are doing this now. Thank you for reading and I am sorry if my story was confusing or if I jumped around a lot. I've been numb for so long.
Rileydancer Rileydancer
22-25, F
2 Responses Jan 23, 2013

Beautiful inspiring story, I myself am battling my own demons. Here i would suggest talking to someone (even though i hate it when people tell me this) because you need the extra support and a positive view on life, something that we all have lost. If it's your husband thats the bad influence you really need to start thinking about yourself and how you can get healthy. You still have a long life, why live it depressed? I'm currently on an Adderal rant, but just reading your story gave me unintended advice. I'm sorry your depressed and confused as alot of us are, but just try to think of all the good things in your life, finally make a difference, find that fricken motivation and get off your butt!!! You are beautiful who cares about your nose that can be fixed! Dont give up hope just keep smoking weed and thats all you really need to have "fun".

-Prayers and love,

17 year old Adderall fanatic

Are you any better since this post? Have you stopped at all? One day at a time...