Depression!

Why is love so hard to find? Why does every woman turn on me the instant I ask them out? Am I just destined to be alone? Why do I feel so wrong when I do finally get a date? Is it because I have known I am a girl at heart since I was a small child? Is this why my ex left me and our daughter, because she could not be with another woman?

If I transition to be the woman I know I am, will I find the love of another person waiting for me? Will I finally be happy with who and what I am? Or am I destined to be alone for the rest of my life? Why is life so hard for me? Would anyone truly miss me if I was not around except for my daughter? Can anyone be truly happy without love in their life?

I know I am heterosexual in my male body; I can’t bring myself to have sex with a man while I am a man. However I can’t see myself having sex with a woman as a woman. So with the mind and heart of a woman and the body of a man does that make me homosexual by going to bed with a woman? If I wake my body female and go to bed with a man am I heterosexual or homosexual?

How can I go on if no one can love me for me? How will my daughter feel about me once I finish becoming the woman I know I am? How will my homophobic father feel about when he finally learns the truth about his only son? What will happen to me if I cannot finish my transition from male to female? Will people accept me as a she-male or will I be rejected altogether?

If my life was to end today would anyone truly care and what would they care about? Would my daughter be better off without me in her life since I only get to see her once a week because my job keeps me away from her? Would my sister morn my loss even though she has rejected me for what I am or would she be relieved I can no longer corrupt her children as she puts it?
Rose35 Rose35
36-40, T
1 Response Dec 16, 2012

Went you say
1 - " I can’t bring myself to have sex with a man while I am a man. However I can’t see myself having sex with a woman as a woman."
2 - "How will my homophobic father feel about when he finally learns the truth about his only son? "

Your father left you homophobic legacy and that why you can do neither, but yet you say you feel like a woMEN then if that is true you'll have to pick up your courage and be adult enough and do it like ever women does it, on her 4's, on her back, and get penetrated like us by men who are more then willing to dump there load in us and you to.
When you transition it doesn'T solve all your problems, sometime it add some problem because some famillies, friends, Employers, etc... just flat out reject them, there for your sometimes have to start over from ZERO

To let you know I do not reject or condemn anyone that is homosexual, I just can't bring myself to do it. As four sex with a man once I have had SRS, I believe I would be more than willing to have sex with a guy.

This whole thing was written by the request of my therapist as a way for me to realize what is going on in my head since I am a writer. Posting my story/experience was more of a way to let others know they are not alone.

The company I work for knows what I am going through and has been very supportive of me so far. The real test will come when I finish my 3-5 year transition and turn in all the papers for a name and gender change. The company has no policy on people transitioning nor do they have a strict dress code. I was really lucky to have found this job.

I can not say for sure what the future holds, but who can? we all have to take one day at a time and hope for the best.

I think what stop from having sex with a man is more in your head than between your legs, the Idea of same sex people having sex

Two things you must never let leave your mind:
1) On the overall, the days get better, and easier.
2) You have but one choice, one life, and your days are numbered. So make the best of them every day. Stay true to yourself, at any cost... it's all you get to take with you to the grave; being true to what you stand for and who you ARE.

The same things my therapist told me. Since I started HRT I am happier and find myself more out going. Not just online but offline as well. When I started working my current job there was one girl that did not like me at all because I was a guy (The only reason I got the job was because I was a guy). Now she has done a 180 and treating me like one of the team.

Some of my friends (customers) have even opened up to me and we can joke like never before. I have noticed a few customers that now think they can dominate me but as soon as they try I let my male persona out and they retreat.

Overall I am much happier than I have been and I am finally able to be who I have known I was for so long.

Before I forget I want to say thank you for your words. Most everyone has been so good to me here and I really enjoy it.

Thank you again
Rose

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