Christmas Eve ServiceIt's Christmas Eve, and my nerves are standing on end. Clock is counting down... 6 1/2 hours away. As tradition when I go to my sister's house for Christmas, we start things with a Christmas Eve service at her Unitarian Church at 5pm. The church is all very cool people, so that part I'm not nervous about. Meeting my sis, mom and dad at the church on the other hand... well...
Over the years, my family has become very supportive of the whole transition thing. I'm grateful for that. What they don't know is how badly I want to carry a baby and give birth. Nor do they know "I'm pregnant"... or at least look like it. We're not meeting at her house first, we're meeting right at the church because I'll be arriving in town with little time to spare. So there is no advance warning for them. As always with me, I'm very far along... like about 36 weeks. Because I've been a maniac with buying beautiful maternity clothes and have tons to pick from, I have chosen a really pretty abstract floral print dress that hits just below the knee, with burgundy tights and black ballet flats. The dress is a rayon/spandex mix and pretty form fitting, and looks amazing... so I'm not worried about looking nice... but on the other hand, I have nooooo idea how they are going to react. Afterward, we'll have a chance to talk about my baby desires back at sis' house, and they'll at least understand my side... but I don't want to hide here. They need to know the real me... the mom I was meant to be... for better or for worse. If anyone I meet tonight asks, yes this is my first pregnancy, I'm having a girl, her name will be Kaylee, and my due date is January 27th.
Update, after the dust has settled:
Things went pretty well I suppose. Got there 5 mins early, my family was outside the church waiting for me. I got out of car and as I was walking toward them, they had a look of quite bewilderment. Mom said "it appears you have something you need to tell us... but will obviously have to wait until after." Dad and sis didn't say a word but sis gave me a quick hug. We walked in, and I recall thinking, "well, no way to turn back now..." I hung my coat on the coat rack, which left me feeling really quite exposed. There was no hiding the huge, obviously pregnant belly at that point but it also would have looked quite silly to wear a coat to my seat. As we walked to our seats I tried not to appear excessively labored in walking but my back was slightly arched and my hand was gently under my belly to lighten the load. There were definitely several people whose eyes were following me to my seat, but I made my best effort to just smile and try to have the 'glow'. Before the service began I was introduced to the couple sitting in front of us, and greeted warmly. So far, nothing I couldn't handle. During, I didn't have any worries, and was pretty used to taking longer to stand or sit anyway, for those hymn times. When the service was over, mom and dad went to the foyer to get snacks they put out and left me with my sis. She said quietly to me, "I'm gonna just go with this... so, how far along are you?" I told her my due date was Jan 27th. She left it at that, and we mingled for a couple of minutes. I was introduced to a few of her friends, all of them were very kind, and all gave congratulations. Two of them asked if I was having a boy or girl. It really did feel wonderful, and awkward at the same time. We left after about 15 minutes and took our separate cars back to sis' apartment. THEN I had some explaining to do. I told them about my strong desire to be able to carry a baby, and how I just had to live this life in order to at least try to get what experience I could from it... knowing full well how there is so much I would not be experiencing. They asked every question I expected them to, and eventually their shock and upset turned to a bit of compassion.
Waking up Christmas morning I was dopey and out of it, because I never sleep well in foreign beds and definitely don't sleep well with my huge baby belly and not able to roll over or sleep face down... no matter how many times I have done it. All things considered, the only thing that could have made Christmas any better would be to actually BE pregnant, and to be opening gifts for moms-to-be. But I can still count my blessings for a pretty damn cool family.