I Social Anxiety And Low Self Esteam
Hi everyone,
My name is Kacee im just a adverage 24 yr girl, lost in translation. Back in the day before I started experiencing all these strong whirlewind of emotion, I was just a care free happy go lucky silly girl that enjoyed every second of everyday.. no worries and def no complaints. I did have a challenaging childhood growing up with my entire family on meth including the only other sibiling I had my older brother of 7 yrs he was on the stuff too. I lived in a house of what you would think would happen, considering that my father was a dealer/ maker of the product there was alot of choas in the house. We lived in a messy trailor house in a small town where everyone knew everyones business, so I developed slight anxiety when I was just a kid. I never wanted anyone to know anything about my family I was so ashamed of what people could already see and knew I didnt want my friends to know my family was all on drugs and that we had domistic violence everyone night in the house between my father, brother and mother.. I was so young all I could do is cry and be a nervous wreck! This is not how everyones family was in town why is mine like this its not fair at all.
Before this all unraveled the drugs and violence, I was very close to my mother I loved her so much she did the best job she could being a mother with a not very supporitive husband. However That all changed when I was about 10 and I lived in it for a couple of yrs then just moved out on my own to my freinds house then to my aunts then I live with my boyfriend from age 13-18! We started out young and in love everything was great, I moved schools to his town and had this fresh start. Its was perfect for a few yrs then he became this super controlling mean person.
My mother passed away when I was 17 and that was a difficult time, I was hard at work working full time before and after just trying not to process it. I dont think I really every had a good greifing process. That may be some of what lead me to where I am today. However I miss my mom very much even though we werent close in the end b/c she was just so hooked on drugs and was numbing her pain. 2 yrs before my mom died both my dad and brother went to prision. So she was out there in the world with her drug friends just trying to cope. I did put in much effort to help her but she never wanted my help
When I was 18 I moved out from the bf and into a apartment with a friend. I dated new people and was having a good time.. dispite my crazy teenage yrs I still remained happy and positive with no emotional head problems.
I decided to take extacy for my first time when I was 18 after that day, Its like it unlocked the scarry door of issues that Were not dealt with. I started to experience anxiety, head fogg, depression.. it was like I was walking around in a buble all day and my mind checked out.
So on and off the last 5 yrs ive been on various meds trying to fix things, ( that hasnt helped) ive developed some low self esteam. I try so hard everyday to build myself up and get my mind to not spaz out on my and start spinning in anxiety. Ive turned the anxiety in to a social phobia, which I cant seem to understand b/c yrs earlier in my life ive been the extervert outgoing friend that was always funny and happy. So here I am holding myself to my old potential and its frustration. I get so down on myself and how I react to everything in my day from the way i have conversation with people and the way I get offended by everything and take so much personally. Its like I know how and what I want to be and what to do to make myself better.. b/c its all the feeling, and what I think about mydelf thats creating all the bad feeling but i cant make myself believe what I know that will turn me around. My emotions and feeling are so strong.
My name is Kacee im just a adverage 24 yr girl, lost in translation. Back in the day before I started experiencing all these strong whirlewind of emotion, I was just a care free happy go lucky silly girl that enjoyed every second of everyday.. no worries and def no complaints. I did have a challenaging childhood growing up with my entire family on meth including the only other sibiling I had my older brother of 7 yrs he was on the stuff too. I lived in a house of what you would think would happen, considering that my father was a dealer/ maker of the product there was alot of choas in the house. We lived in a messy trailor house in a small town where everyone knew everyones business, so I developed slight anxiety when I was just a kid. I never wanted anyone to know anything about my family I was so ashamed of what people could already see and knew I didnt want my friends to know my family was all on drugs and that we had domistic violence everyone night in the house between my father, brother and mother.. I was so young all I could do is cry and be a nervous wreck! This is not how everyones family was in town why is mine like this its not fair at all.
Before this all unraveled the drugs and violence, I was very close to my mother I loved her so much she did the best job she could being a mother with a not very supporitive husband. However That all changed when I was about 10 and I lived in it for a couple of yrs then just moved out on my own to my freinds house then to my aunts then I live with my boyfriend from age 13-18! We started out young and in love everything was great, I moved schools to his town and had this fresh start. Its was perfect for a few yrs then he became this super controlling mean person.
My mother passed away when I was 17 and that was a difficult time, I was hard at work working full time before and after just trying not to process it. I dont think I really every had a good greifing process. That may be some of what lead me to where I am today. However I miss my mom very much even though we werent close in the end b/c she was just so hooked on drugs and was numbing her pain. 2 yrs before my mom died both my dad and brother went to prision. So she was out there in the world with her drug friends just trying to cope. I did put in much effort to help her but she never wanted my help
When I was 18 I moved out from the bf and into a apartment with a friend. I dated new people and was having a good time.. dispite my crazy teenage yrs I still remained happy and positive with no emotional head problems.
I decided to take extacy for my first time when I was 18 after that day, Its like it unlocked the scarry door of issues that Were not dealt with. I started to experience anxiety, head fogg, depression.. it was like I was walking around in a buble all day and my mind checked out.
So on and off the last 5 yrs ive been on various meds trying to fix things, ( that hasnt helped) ive developed some low self esteam. I try so hard everyday to build myself up and get my mind to not spaz out on my and start spinning in anxiety. Ive turned the anxiety in to a social phobia, which I cant seem to understand b/c yrs earlier in my life ive been the extervert outgoing friend that was always funny and happy. So here I am holding myself to my old potential and its frustration. I get so down on myself and how I react to everything in my day from the way i have conversation with people and the way I get offended by everything and take so much personally. Its like I know how and what I want to be and what to do to make myself better.. b/c its all the feeling, and what I think about mydelf thats creating all the bad feeling but i cant make myself believe what I know that will turn me around. My emotions and feeling are so strong.
By:
KaceeC
Age:
22-25
,
Female
