Because Sometimes I Don't Even Know

most days people ask me how i'm doing and i just say fine because i have no clue where or how to begin. i don't want to burden people anyway. i just stay shut up in my house like some kind of hermit. i dislike people in general. stupidity runs rampant in groups. persons i can handle, i'm actually quite funny and vivacious. but more than half of the time i hurt so deeply that it's near debilitating. and there is no real reason. sure, i've had some rough patches in my life, who hasen't? my dad commited suicide when i was small and i kinda saw it. i always felt out of place, still do. very few true friends. always a touch antisocial. i've been raped about 8 times. i was a drug dealer in high school. i had a crystal meth induced miscarriage over the week of valentine's day when i was 19. i've just lived so hard for so long that nobody can even relate to me anymore, except those people who went through it with me. i'm a military spouse so i never stay in the same place very long, and sometimes, i just want to go back to those people who make me feel normal. like today. my heart just aches. most people say life is too short, i'm of the family of thought that it's just too long for me. i'm too sad to cry. i either want to fight, ****, or hit the fence. this is my life. everyday is pain. sure, most of it is self-inflicted, but it's better than hurting someone else. i just crawl inside myself, reliving my moments of significance. i used to work in factories to loud to think, those were some of my best times. when i was too tired and sore to think. it's why i do dxm. i can't turn it off without help. such the disappointment. most of the spoiled little ******* i meet can't even begin to fathom..... 
juggalove juggalove
31-35, F
Jul 19, 2010