Not Sometimes... All The Time...

I pictured the love of my life my soon to be husband as someone I can turn to... At first i could, but as things got deeper and life moved on i find myself hiding & cowering from him more and more... I dont feel emotionally safe with him. I have no one to really open up to. I had 1friend who understood me, but not when faced with him she takes his side even when she knows beyond a reasoneable doubt he's wrong. How do i begin to des becomecribe this longterm inward pain. Don't get me wrong he isn't all bad, he has had his moments of affection and love, but most times its not enough. He just wont listen to me. He sees himselfe the only one affected and no one else matters. I admit i have become partly bitter towards him... Not being able to make him understand and res mpect me has taken its toll to where i dont respect him inreturn... He doesnt appreciate me anymore... Is quick to compliment others and when it comes to me its only when he wants sex... :(... I do so much for hi m, but he makes such a big deal over the little he does here...or me Eg. I wash the dishes countless times and the one time i ask him over a long period of days he procrastinates for a whole with more dishes piling up and chuckshere a fit over doing it, mind u he doesnt pay bills, gets fed everyday, rarely lifts a finger to clean, has run the occasional minor errand here and there, which I mostly pitch inand yet he has the odecity to always complain even over an expensive meal he got for free... & yet he points the finger at me and says i dont respect him. I clean up after him have spent so much of my money on him. Flew to his country twice & even paid for him to come here. I buy him things from my hard earned money and he complains over the money spent on me from his unemployment cheques, which mind you was spent mostly on himself... Iv only been gifted two very cheap things from him, which i cherish, but he left my expensive gift i gave him. Yes i sound foolish... But i thought this is wat people inlove do for eachother... He fronted over an idea of spoiling if he had the money saying he didnt want to be a sucker for the woman he chose to marry just because the exs he spoilt took his love for granted... What i dont understand is how its ok for me to be a sucker for him and not be valued in the end..... & it was just a thought & yet im materialistic... The girl who didnt get a bday gift, valentines gift, xmas gift, paid his bill when he was broke, bought him clothes, and an expensive chain for our anniversary even tho i got nothing inreturn but still stayed with his brokeass... Im materialistic. Just because i asked for flowers even if they wer picked from the side of the road now and then, i asked to b treated like a queen on 1special occasion if we had enough. Im not saying he hasnt done anything for me. Im just feeling so downright unappreciated and with the answers and reaction given to me of course after 2yrs of this bs im bitter and dont look forward to a future with this man & yet he feels like i dont respect him enough. I tell him how i feel and he goes and googles why am i acting the way i am... Hes oblivious to his actions and i love him, but i love myself too! Ive tried so hard to not bitter, to hold my temper but its built up that now its just too much of a struggle to keep holding onto him... I wanted so much to make this work, but i cant even talk to him and have him take me seriously when to him, hes done no wrong... I planned a future with you... But i didnt expect to be loved less and less in it. 1time was all i asked for... Why should i be treated any less, the woman who literally went to hell and back agn still loving you... Why cant i be loved as i have loved you? why are you so determined to not love me the way you said you would in the beginning.... :( why cant u hear me and see me for real..... Why cant i listen to my hearts tears and pain instead of listening to yours....
LadySoulist LadySoulist
22-25, F
2 Responses Jun 16, 2012

Hi i've only just joined,my name simon i'm 38,where you said you cower away from him,sounds worrying,i'm unusual as far the myth goes,i don't mind opening up.I do suffer from depression though so that propably "helps"!

I know how it is my fiance n I are like that. Except he doesnt want me to have any friends at all. I love him and all but he wont understand that I get lonely when he goes to woke n when he is home he just too tired to do anything. But ofcoarse he never too tired when he wants to have sex. I wish that sometimes he could do something nice for me like I always do for him. Sure he always buys me expensive gifts but I dnt know I jt would like for him to do something nice or spend time with me insted of money on gifts. Like gifts wont give me love and affection