I Sometimes Don't Want to Be Touched
Sometimes things in life dont happen the way youn want them too. That was me-falling in love deeply with someone who i shouldnt have. Giving himm my virginity then getting more attached. So young and nieve i had no idea what i was in store for.
When he would hit me, he would sock me in the arm and laugh. I took it as rough housing but i didnt want to play. He would do it over and over, as if expecting me to do somethiong. But i didnt want to because it hurt and if i hit him back, the fists would get harder and faster. I thought overtime he would get bored and stop but i was wrong.
As time went on people started to notice. My parents asked me why i had burises all over my arms, i said it was from a fist fight with "amanda". I could tell they didnt believe me, they just didnt know how to approach the situation. Starngers started seeing them too and asking questions they already knew the answers too. I thought it would just go away but before i knew it they became more and went from plain bruisesm to big ones turning purpleish black. I knewm it had to stop because i couldnt take the pain anymore.
I put up a shield that whole relationship and stood strong despite the abuse. I believe it was Denial that helped me. No, hes not hurting me hes just messing around. No it wont go on forever he will get bored and stop. No i dont need help im fine.
After i left i realised i lied to myself that whole relationship just to try and stay in it. I dont make the same mistake twice. So believe me when i started dating my now boyfriend and noticed he had anger issues, i made it clear he better not lay a finger on me after what i already went through. He said he would never.
The night he grabbed me and forced me in the car made me go from crying to bawling. He felt bad, couldnt believe he let his anger to to this point where he wanted to grab me and throw me on the couch for laying on the ground crying. One night verry mad he grabbed the screwdriver and on table and tried to jab it in his throat. I got it away from him, for himm to put up a fight trying to get to it. "your hurting me" i yelled, he pushed me hard and i flew back onto the bed. I was so scared i started to cry unaware of what to do and afriad it would escalate. A week later maybe,i was on the couch and we were fighting and he grabbed me up and tossed me. he didnt throw me in the air or nothing but i stubled on my feet and started yelling saying dont touch me. Then tonite in an arguement he decided to take it to another level agian after he had been doing so good he grabbed my arms and started shaking me yeloling for me to let him finish. i yelled "let go of me!" he kept shaking me, i tried to push him away he grabbed harder. i tried to turn over (we were lying on the bed) to rid of his grip, that just made him shove me down and start shaking my shoulders saying "are u going to let me finish!" as if that was supposed to get through to me.
of course im upset because i hate putting up with his **** but i do because i love him. If he ever hits me im gone-i just hope it doesnt get to that point.nce In the Darkness
