Am I Invisible?

Does anyone really see ME?  I think my kids see the maid, the cook, the learning coach, the scout leader.  At church, they see a potential committee member, a mom, a soprano.  I'm a volunteer, a voice.

My husband says he does, but even he doesn't see what's eating away at my soul.  I try to explain it and he says 'of course you have friends, isn't so-and-so a friend?'. 

I join online clubs around my hobbies, but when I ask a question I might as well be shouting into an empty room.  I either get no response, or told 'that question would be better asked at (some other group)'.

I even tried talking to the minister, but he just didn't get it.  He thinks I'm feeling unfulfilled.  I suppose that word has "filled" in it, and so bears some relation to how empty I feel.  Devoid of self.

I just want to belong, I want to feel like someone sees behind my eyes and knows ME.  People come into my life.  I think maybe a connection is being forged, and they go back out of my life.  I hold back, I go slowly in the formation of a relationship, things are tripping along, and then they move to another state and I never hear anything from them.  I know better than to reveal too much too soon, I know that however desperately lonely and pathetic I am feeling inside I can't let that show or people will run away.

Which assumes they come close in the first place, and that doesn't really seem to happen anymore either.

God/Goddess isn't listening.  The spirit guides are gone.  I open my mouth to sing and silence pours into my soul.  It creeps into a small dark space, and I am empty.

What is wrong with me?  I bleed, I cry, I eat and sleep and breathe.  Why doesn't anyone see me?

K626 K626
36-40, F
3 Responses Feb 23, 2010

I think most of us get those feelings of being unappreciated and unnoticed. You feel like you are running in place. Putting forth your best effort and getting little or no recognition. I think part of the problem is that most people are into their selves they fail to notice the people around them who do so much for them. Next time you pass the mirror look into your eyes and you will see a winner someone important to so many people around you. I believe in you you are alive withspirit with dedication. Others just just failed to notice how special you are

Thanks for the comments, at least I was heard. It's more than feeling unappreciated, I get that every housewife and parent in the world feels unappreciated. And it's more than feeling some amorphous threat as presented by any number of fear mongering special interests. Alienation comes close, but doesn't quite hit it. To be pushed away I would first have had to be accepted, I would have had to belong. I'm not sure that I ever have. The round pegs fit in, the square pegs have each other...what the heck am I? Maybe I'm just a hole.

I have been there and it sucks. I can remember stopping doing all the support things I was doing and then they saw me and realized how much I was doing. I have to do that every year or so just to make sure they still appreciate me.