I Don't Really Know Why, But...

I certainly can do a little self analysis and speculate.

I married my first lover. The reasons are varied and complex, but it is enough to say it wasn't for the reasons that create a long happy marriage. We had two sons. I reached a point where I realized I had been very unhappy for a long time, it still took probably another year for me to gather the courage to tell him I wanted a divorce.

Do in large part to his new girlfriend, soon to become new wife, it was an ugly, nasty battle. The divorce itself went ok, it was just after that when he started lashing out at me through the kids and the courts. He dragged me back to court, no fewer than 6 more times during the next 5 years. The worst part was the damage done to the boys, and the fact that these battles weighed significantly on me. I became depressed, irritable, and before they were over, I had a traumatic brain injury that just added to the mix. I don't think I was there for the boys like I should have been all the time. Some days it was a battle to get out of bed.

My two oldest boys are grown and on their own now, and we aren't as close as I wish we were. There are times like now when I am alone and I wonder when my youngest son grows up if we will drift apart, will I feel like it will be days before any of them notice once I'm gone.

I guess I'm a bit melancholy at the moment, I'll probably be embarrassed later when I reread this.

WittyOne WittyOne
46-50, F
Jul 21, 2007