I Get All Confused & Can't Understand

  How people can come to me for advice, comfort, or to talk. I have nothing of real value to offer. Everything that I've done or tried to do in my life by following my own advice.............backfires. I am always needy, worrying about myself. I'm greedy, sloppy, not that smart really. I mean allow my past to dictate my present & control my future. Sure, I accept myself for the most part, I'll even go as far as to say most days I love myself. But..............

   That's because I know that if I don't, no one else will. I know everything about myself, & trust me loving myself is NOT easy. I have done so much to hurt myself..................Oh not physically, that would be TOO easy. No my scars are invisible. My sh!t is all on the inside. If everybody knew me they would run. In fact, the few people who have known me, all of me...........They ran. (Kim & Shane come to the front of my mind). I think some people can just pick things up about me too. There was one woman who seemed to know exactly what kind of human being I was..... She told me to jump in front of a streetcar & rid the world of one more waste of skin. I think she knew what I was............. I think that's why she said it.

I know that there are going to be friends who read this & feel bad. That's not why I'm writing this. I've come a long way, really I have. The fact that most days I see a woman deserving of love, regardless of how she's lived her life, that's an amazing accomplishment for me. I just have bad days & I guess this is one...... I felt the need to get it out, so I wrote this to do just that. I am sorry if it hurts you................ I wasn't going to write it, but I don't want to add anymore baggage to myself. I'm having a hard enough time carrying around all I've got right now. So forgive me, please?


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4 Responses Apr 13, 2009

my husband today told me i had nothing to offer, it hit home, i am sad depressed, recently released from my job, i am only living because i think it wld be selfish not to, i have parents and children who care for me but i dont care for myself not anymore not all, it is hard for me to get up to function, to do anything, most people would never know this or guess it, i stop short of becoming close to anyone, the only friends i keep are from when i was young and they live far away. i havn't felt pssion in years i m not sure why im writing but because i can, once and a while i meet people and i think they can see it, my hollowness like you said with the lady, i wld like for someone to tell me that, so i cld dart out in the srteet, see their ex<x>pression just before i vanish

You ar enot alone in feeling the way you do. There are many things you shared that hit close to home for me. People will tell you that you shouldn't feel that way and all that does will make you feel worse for felling bad to start with...believe me when I say I know. I, myself don't really get close to people...I do have a fiance, but he is and has been the only person I confide in. The bad part is when I express to him what you shared as my own truths, I get the bullshit response that "oh, it's not that bad" Who wants to hear that when you are seriously feeling like you have nothing to offer anyone. I feel that way too. I see myself as a partial being that doesn't really have anything to offer people as friends or even my fiance. He comes from a nice family so family is important to him. MY family is a piece of ****. My MOM moved away (same state but way far North) so sahe wouldn't have to deal with people knowing me and my sisters and her history. She abused me and my 4 sisters. My mom lives in a fairy tale land I call "She-World" bc only SHE is the one who lives in her make believe fairy land. Anytime I end up talking to her (if I call my dad and he has driven up to see her and my little sister w/out my knowledge and she grabs the phone from him) she lies and always tells me she "lost my number" WHATEVER. the ONLY time my mom straight outright called me it was bc she wanted to BORROW MONEY... <br />
sorry I went off on a tangent for a minute there...but as you can see that right there contributes to why I feel like I don't have a "family in law" to offer.<br />
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If you ever want to rage chat with me, look me up. I would really like to chat with someone who actually knows and IUNDERSTANDS my thoughts. You seem like you will and maybe you want someone to talk to too....

If people come to you for advise, comfort & talk there must be something very special about you. <br />
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We all go thru are rough moments and we all do mistakes we are not perfect.- dont put yourself down cause there are alot of miserable people in this world that do that (like that lady(oops that's no lady) refrase- "that thing"- that told you to jump infront of a street car).- <br />
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I've seen some of your comments/ stories and I cant find one offensive thing you have said.. and if you have, - like I said we all have our bad days.- (believe me I'm having a whole bunch of them lately) <br />
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So, all this said- Feel better and put your chin up and SMILE....

how can say that u dont offer?god knows how lucky we are to have u.wyn u offer more than u think..and id definetely not run away from u!