I Do It Every Day And It's Killing My Relationships

Not on purpose; I just say something without actually thinking and I know it's not nice because it's followed by this immediate pause. Honestly, sometimes I wish I were mute because I am a really good writer and I have a great time explaining myself when writing, not speaking. I have destroyed my relationships with my colleagues, and they have no respect for me. They have looked at me with enough disgust and judgement for me to realize I must keep total silence around them. They're not being mean, just completely honest because I insult so much. Once I joked a staff member was a *****. Another time I made an inappropriate classist insult [reverse hipter ignorance], one someone who was a member of that class. I also made an inappropriate mention about having to hit on younger guys because they die earlier. I am going to stay away from jokes that attempt sarcasm from now on. But it's really killing me how toxic I have become. I just want to shrivel away inside of the earth, and enter some Inception-like dream where I can be who I want and say what I want and **** who I want without being so tentative.
Aksumite Aksumite
18-21, F
2 Responses Nov 29, 2012

I have the EXACT same problem. I'm never able to communicate my thoughts clearly, but if I'm writing, they come out completely fluidly. And then when I do speak, people have told me that they just have to resist slapping me across the face. It's like my brain doesn't communicate with my mouth properly, and definitely doesn't think about what comes out of it.

I feel so incredibly emotionally drained.