Numb Is The Best Thing I Have Ever Felt
For most of my life, I have been able to totally block out everything. Maybe not within my own mind, but everything outside, all the people around me. I have lost close friends, had family members die, and didn't feel a thing. Its been that way for almost ten years. It didn't take much emotional abuse for me to shut down. I could have someone standing right in front of me, looking me in the eye and saying I was stupid, lazy, would never be anything or be wanted by anyone. And all I would feel is numb. The only part of me that I haven't been able to shut down, my eyes. Sometimes they betray me. I guess they never give off that I'm happy or anything, I get told they're scary. Which is alright, because it just pushes people a little farther back, where I want them. Everyone gives up on me sooner or later, its not something I have to wonder about. Its just something I have to wait for. I usually cut people out before that happens, long before I actually have any real feelings for them, but every once and a while, someone manages to stick around. Its still a waiting game, but its a slightly less lonely one. Honestly, if I could shut off my emotions completely, I would. Even the happiness I rarely feel makes it worse, because I have to go through the pain of losing it. Happiness just opens the door for more, and nothing that follows it is good. I can't even handle strong emotions, I don't know what to do with them. The simple ones though, I can fake well enough. I could make people believe I was happy, I could still make them laugh and make them feel like it was all ok. That's one of the few things I'm good actually at, making people feel comfortable. My presence, or maybe lack of, tends to make people feel safe when they're upset. Even though I hate feeling them, I have a pretty good understanding of emotions. I can help people deal with them, then go on with my day like nothing happened. Quiet. That's all I want.