A True Born Loser

I don't sometimes feel like my life is going nowhere. My life IS GOING NOWHERE. Period. I wish I could say I want to get it back on track, but it was never really on track to begin with. Sure, up until about high school, you don't expect to have much of a life. But after that, things are supposed to change. You're supposed to go out and do things and have relationships with people, get a real life. But I went to a private high school for a year and a half. Very small. Eight students in my freshman class, TWO including me in my sophomore class, which is why they cut it. They were just trying it out, mainly being an elementary and junior high school. And then what did I do while my friends went off to real high schools and got lives, leaving me behind, cutting off all contact with me? I homeschooled. Because I'm fat and my mom was afraid of how I'd be treated at a larger school. So I've been at home ever since, getting fatter, even developing a lovely condition called lymphedema in my legs. I can't drive, I can't work, I can't go to college. Life is MFing beautiful! It's basically impossible to get treatment for my condition in this town, and it makes it hard to exercise. So, basically, I'm screwed. My biggest fear is that I'll die, not having accomplished or experienced or contributed a damn thing. And I'm on the fast track heading right toward my greatest fears coming true. I'd kill myself, but being alive gives me at least a small glimmer of hope. As long as I'm alive, there's always the possibility, even if it is highly unlikely, that things will somehow turn around. But that's all I have to hang on to and I'm going to hang on to it until the bitter end. And it will be damn bitter.

Trapt Trapt
18-21, M
2 Responses Oct 11, 2008

i'm sorry to hear that. but you know what brings me a little bit of comfort? it sounds pretty mean, but you know that no matter how bad you are feeling, there is always someone out there who have it worse than we do. but i agree with the other comment, you should really try to get yourself out side, even if just to go to your backyard, sometimes fresh air really does do the trick to help clear the mind. oh, how about a pet? do you have a dog or cat or something? i have a toy fox terrier that keeps me company all day, and i take him for walks when its nice out, or just have him lay next to me on the couch while i watch t.v. or read a book. hope that helps a little bit.

I don't know anything about lymphedema but I hope you can get out of the house and use your legs somehow. Being in solitude is terrible. My mother has terrible leg problems and is trapped indoors for the most part and I'm seeing how it affects her life.<br />
If there is anything you can do to fight or prevent further development of lymphedema, I hope you can do it.