I Had a Friend Who Made Me Feel Like I Wasn't Worth Loving

I know that people love me.  I know that.  I'm very grateful towards those people, but sometimes I feel like I'm drowning and the people that I want to be there aren't.

I know I've told this story a thousand times on ep, but a year ago a long time friend who was more like family broke off our friendship.  She made me feel worthless.  I miss her so much, but I don't feel like it could ever be repaired because I think I loved her more than she cared about me.  This breaks my heart.  I wish she were still here with me.  She used to be with me when I cried.  She was the one I cried too.  Now that I'm crying about her I don't know where to find my comfort.  I always thought my first love would break my heart, not my oldest friend.  

I can't help but wonder sometimes, what was wrong with me?  I know her reasons for breaking it off, but honestly no real friend would do that to another person for those reasons.  I feel like I'm not good enough to be loved by anyone.  Sometimes when I'm with other friends and they start their sentences with, "I have to be honest with you. . ." I think they're going to tell me they want to break off our friendship too.  They never do of course, but I can't help that fear.  I never used to be so paranoid or insecure around people that I call friends, but I can't help it now.

I'll never have anyone like her in my life again ever.  I sometimes can't believe that I'll never get to do something fun with my sister again.  That's what I thought of her as.  My sister.  God I miss her so much.  She's going to go on with her life and forget about me, but I'll never forget about her.

SerenaDragonfly SerenaDragonfly
22-25, F
1 Response Mar 3, 2009

The dynamic is is that she also must have very strong emotional feelings for you. If that is any comfort.<br />
Get your pride back borrow it from some figure in history that you admire. All your energy and life force going around in circles worrying about the riddle of it is only draining you. Work to become the person you want to be. And you will attract more people into your life that will love you. We are all unique and some people ring bells for us. But its to realise that some people are only in our life for a certain time then their part in it is finished. Its to dive into the amazing sea of life with renewed vigour and the ability to love as strongly and passionately as you do. You are up with the great writers, artists, poets and you have a big heart and instead of mourning celebrate your loveliness. The best loving gift you honor your friend with is to give her a tiny place in your heart and go out to play. Skipping like a child and embrace the world and those that love and will love you.