Angry At God

Sometimes I just feel anger towards God. The other night I could not stop crying and just praying that he would make me disappear. I told him I give up, and I just want to leave everything behind....because what is its all for? What is the purpose of it all?

I so weary....so weary of putting in the effort, the effort to succeed, the effort of being a good person in this thankless world.

I can't wait to escape, I'm counting the days when I'll leave this place. I just can't stop remembering bad memories of my childhood. I've been sexually abused by a relative who was visiting when I was a child....I've been slapped so hard that my tooth fell out, I've been called stupid, I've been threatened by a hot iron on my face...by my mother.

The hardest of it was when my sister left...it's hard having no emotional support and trying to be damn strong all the time. My mother no longer hits causes I've learn to fight back, but inside my heart is this hatred for her that has grown to the point that it cannot be reversed. I have no love for my mother, even though she became nicer to me when I got a good job and was financially supporting them for 3 years. Another reason for her "change of heart" is also to get on my good side so I can continue sending her money when I find another job after I finish school. She told me herself, she expects me to support them until they die.

I feel so EMPTY...despite all the goals and my trying to get myself out of this hole of depression. I do not put any value on possessions and money. Sometimes I wish I was in a different place, completely dirt poor but happy.

I have been eating myself to death. I gained 15 pounds these past year.no I'm not fat yet...but if I don't stop myself, I'll come to the point of not caring...and I already have in so many ways, stopped caring. stopped caring about people except myself...I'm just focusing on myself and no one else.I've changed so much, became stronger, but more cold hearted. I gave up my idealism and gentleness so I didn't have to feel so weak and vulnerable...didn't have to be disappointed by people, didn't have to get hurt.

When I think about the future, I feel no hope. If all that is waiting for me is more pain and disappointment...then what for. I've accepted the good and bad in life...I've become a realist...and at times in the past I have always found the strength to push through...because despite my tears, fears, and doubts, I am hoping someday my life can be transformed and changed.

I don't know how I can forgive the people who have hurt me. I've put walls around me that no one can ever get in. I'm so tired of carrying this burden. If my sister was here I would have cried in front of her and tell everything I was feeling...and tomorrow would have been easier on me. Now all I have are the words I write to make it easier on myself.
tremblingRain tremblingRain
26-30, F
Jan 19, 2013