Too Often I Guess
They will never truly go away... no matter what meds I take or what happiness I find I feel that darkness every day. It's something I've grown up with, a part of me like my freckles. Just something that I know is there and I may not always give it attention or acknowledge its presence but I'm not oblivious to it. My darkness is a part of me and can easily become so extreme that I am over come by it. I try not to harp on the fact and allow myself to continue on the happy trail of survival.
I guess the reason for bringing it up is I do have thoughts that frighten me... often. I am not afraid of death but afraid of the negative thoughts that can and have so easily taken over in the past. I can make the statement that "I will not let the monsters take over again" but they are just words. I know they will be back and, in fact that today their presence is evident.
If you have these thoughts just know that you are not alone and it can be better. I don't believe in mind over matter or that all the drugs in the world will make it go away but I do try my best to be aware. I think knowing it's there and keeping "death" a light hearted topic help keep it a part of me in a positive way. I'm not fighting it too hard just letting it share a small part of my mind and attempting to live in harmony with it. Should the demons choose to come out and play, I let them. I cry and feel and hurt but not to the extreme that I would if I fought it.
Don't get me wrong... I still see that pool and can only think how wonderful I would look floating lifeless all pretty and blue. I see a razor and pills and more just sitting there looking back at me. Or in the car going over that bridge and how easy it would be. Yes the thoughts frighten me too but I do what I do and here I still am... demons, monsters and all.