Emptiness..

I don't really do this anymore, but when I used to hurt myself, I would scratch myself really hard on the wrist that it would almost create a type of burn/cut. when i did it, i would scratch in one spot for quite some time, even when it was really painful. it would burn whenever i went into the shower. i didn't do it because i was sad or emotional or stressed, for some reason i did it because i felt nothing. i would just get this instinct to cut myself and then go through with that instinct. it felt good somehow, and it was addicting. the one that scarred the most was one where i actually was feeling something. it was when i was really in love with someone that didn't love me back and she just didn't seem to care at all about me or how i felt for her. i would try so hard to do things out of my comfort zone to hopefully get to her and catch her attention, make her change her mind. but it never worked. then, one day i wrote on her formspring something stupid and guilt-tripping. i wrote anonymously that i was cutting myself because of her. i really regret writing that, except for the fact that she told another one of my friends that she was worried about me...she somehow figured out it was me who wrote that. i have no idea how. anyway, she asked my friend to check my wrists, under my bracelets. my friend already knew that i had done it though. oh yeah, also, she had responded to my formspring comment saying that i shouldn't do that because my body is god's creation and that i was destroying it. i responded saying that i would promise not to do it anymore (mostly because i was happy that she was worried, maybe that's all i wanted). i kept that promise for quite some time because i loved her. but, recently, i fell out of love with her and i broke that promise. but, it's weird, i don't feel bad. also, i'm not planning on doing it anymore. it was just like i needed to break that promise or something... like i needed to mark on my wrist the beginning and the end. it may sound kind of sick, but i like looking at my deepest scar. it reminds me of how much i've gone through. she was the first girl i loved and for some reason, i like having a scar to keep that memory, to make it real.