The Hate I Have For Myself...

     I don't know when it started... feels like awhile ago. But I've started to hate myself. I've started to realize how gross and messed up I really am, and how much a terrible person I am. I'm awful. I'm disgusting, gullible, stupid, lazy, and selfish.
     I punish myself, because of my sins. I do it because I deserve such things. And it's all I can bring myself to do. Cut I mean. I'm such a disgusting person and it angers a part of me. How hopeless and helpless I am. How disgraceful I am.
     The pinching pain that the blade gives when it digs into my skin is unpleasant at first, but then a part of me absolutely loves and lives for the rush. My heart beats fast and my breathing becomes uneven. I also talk to myself. Rant about how terrible I am and how much I deserve it, because I'm so angry at myself for my sins. The things I am, I'm so disgusted by them. The things in my mind, I get sick. And so I cut, because I need to be exposed. My inside sins need to be exposed.
     It terrifies me because I need it so much. The razor. I need it almost everyday now. I try to hold back most of the time, trying not to give in to much. I only want to do it when I deserve it. But I get this tingle in my fingers and I get shaky, and it's hard to resist the feeling. Because part of me wants it so badly.

     I hate myself. Sometimes so much that I don't want to face another day of regrets and mistakes, so I avoid going to bed for as long as I can before dad rants and tells me off in strange and tired anger. I feel that same anger at myself though, for fearing the next day. But I honestly would rather live the regrets and experiences I had today and yesterday than face and make even more regrets that I have to bear the next day. And so I cut.
     I'm afraid that people will start to notice, and how can they not? The red lines are obvious. But if someone finds out and mentions it I'll be absolutely terrified.
     Because they shouldn't know, they hate me enough as it is. Because I'm the goody-two-shoes of everyone I now. I can't be the depressed girl with the problems and the scars. Because everyone 'knows' me. I'm supposedly not that girl. I'm the quiet girl that smiles and does what you say. And then I get angery, and then I sin. So then I cut and tell myself how awful I am.
     It's a fact though. My thoughts are dark and terrible and filthy. I have to punish myself.
screamingstranger screamingstranger
13-15, F
1 Response May 8, 2012

Wow! I cant tell you how much you sound like me right now! You'll get through i did i stopped cutting for a while now. I still think about it because i hate my thoughts what i do how i don't get grades and make my mom happy. But i think to myself i know i'm great and i try hard to have good thoughts and that's all you can do. Hide them the best you can someone confronting you about it just makes you shake terrified i try to ignore what there saying but the scars will be there forever especially the deep ones. Also every teenage is disgusting, gullible, stupid, lazy, and selfish. I am for sure :) Smile ok everything will be ok youll get through and sorry for the long bunch of words.

thank you, you have no idea how much those 'bunch' of words means to me. it makes me relieved and hopeful when someone is going through something the same as me :) Hope we both survive and come out amazing! :D

Hopefully :) And I'm glad!