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I Have Been a Scratcher

Since about eighth or ninth grade, I have been a scratcher on and off. I was really stressed out about something, and my friend showed me that she scratched herself with a safety pin after sanitizing it with fire. I thought that sounded great since I needed a release, so I started to do it. I only did it when I was extremely stressed out, though. Senior year, I was beyond extremely stressed and scratching myself. My best friend at the time told the school counselor and called my mom. She made it sound like I was on the verge of suicide (which I would never do because of my beliefs), and needless to say, we're not friends anymore. I went to see a therapist for about three months, but because of it interfering with school, I had to quit going.

This past November, my dad had a month-long relapse into ***********. I started out with scratching myself with the safety pin. Then, as time went on, I started to feel worse and worse about myself and the situation. I talked to friends about it, but who I really needed to tell was my mom, but I was scared of hurting her since the *********** had almost ruined their marriage just a few years before. I started to use some of our kitchen knives that we never use (I think they're stainless steel, so it worked out for me), and it made me feel a lot better. Then one day, I couldn't find my debit card, and due to the stress, I grabbed my knife, put it up to my wrist, and almost committed suicide. I knew right then and there that I HAD to tell my mom about my dad. That night, it was like God sent my dad away to go get gas or something, and while he was gone, I told my mom what I had found on his laptop. I didn't tell her about the scratching or cutting because I knew that would upset her. After telling her, though, I felt so much better, and I haven't scratched or cut since. I have wanted to here these past few weeks, but I haven't found my safety pin, and I'm not too sure I want to result to the knife just yet. I can say that it is pretty good stress relief, but I know it's not healthy. It really sucks because I have not found a safe and healthy way to relieve the stress in my life without getting violent (wanting to throw or hit things, but not actually doing it). The only thing I have found that I can do is to hurt myself, cry, and scream, and sometimes that doesn't even help.

People say that meditation helps, but I need kind of like a mean way to get it out...not a calm way.

drummergrl06 drummergrl06 26-30, F 1 Response Aug 23, 2008

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I'm sorry you feel the need to hurt yourself to feel something. You shouldn't have to feel that way. I wish I could help you since you sound like a good person under it all.