Everything Seems To Be Falling Down!

It started with the kid, she began acting in all sorts of ways.  Running away for days for absolutely nothing that I could see.  Then it was the cause of these actions and I will keep those things private.  Missed time from work due to counseling and hospitalizations caused great economic hardship.  We move out of state so that the family can be close for support, and it was the worst choice I could have made.  I didn't check the culture of the state first and was not able to gain adequate employment thus having to come back to home where I know how to survive leaving my children behind until I can pull things together for us.  Shouln't take long right?  Well not usually in the field I'm in-- here in this state but the location of my desired is employment is still in building not too bad because it is tax time and I can usually get through those things.  How about those tax returns are in review for 60 days and no one can tell me anything but wait for 60 days.  I can use 60 days without a meal and feed on my stored fat as there is a lot , but my children can't wait 60 days for their needs.  I want to scream because in all that I do nothing has worked at this time.  I have never been under such a life trial, and to think about trials that didn't go well either.  Yes, our justice system, if on the wrong side will make you scream.  I not only want to scream I want to disappear and reappear at a better time in life.  I miss my children who spent Mother's Day with other mothers.  I really am a good mother and I really do love my children,  I actually like my children.  I have fun with them as if we are peers, and it has always been just us.  It was never work before the last year because we just had fun.  They did well in school, chores in the home, and they are just cool.  Singing, dancing, plays, movies, all living room productions that we starred in, wrote and produced.  You may have seen us out:  we tend to be the loudest laughing in the theaters, the mom you witnessed attacking her kids in the pool,  or how about the little boy who had to tell his mom to calm herself for having too much fun on the monkey bars at the playground.  I am truly lonely without them.  They are so energetic, they are just always moving, talking, fighting,--yes we have those too, I miss screaming "STOP, NO, and SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"  I have tried to make the best decisions for us as a family as choosing their fathers did no go well either and those factors left us alone. That's really cool too except for the recent financial hardship. I typed in Lord, I NEED TO SCREAM! and I land myself here pouring myself out to strangers.  Maybe this will help or maybe it won't .  Hopeless, no where to move or go--just have to stand and SCREAM!

May 14, 2012