You're All So Young

Yikes, I am reading the stories in this group and feeling...anxious, nervous... and maybe understood. I've known I am subject to depression for 23 years, and everything you are all writing is familliar. Cutting people off for weeks, months and years on end, deleting messages after a week because I cannot answer them and I am sick of feeling guilty when I see the red light. Making excuses, telling lies to get out of stuff, holing myself up, sleeping and wishing I might not wake up. Then periods of motivation and passion and activity and joy. Seeing my strengths and talents and loving using them. Knowing myself to be powerful. Then sliding back in to the slough again. Never knowing how long I'll be stuck there again. It's been a long road and even though I am currently in a slough (slept all weekend, wonder why I am alive, wish I had no obligations) I can honestly say this fraud called depression is survivable.   Very very scary when it has a real hold of you and I am terrified of the real depths, which I keep at bay through medication. But everything you guys are writing was true for me when I was 22, 23, 24, 25 right through to 45. And I have even managed to acheive alot and still have fresh goals (although currently submerged and the voice is telling me I can't acheive them and they will be pointless anyway) to go for when I have pulled out of this one.
It might sound like I simply don't know how bad it is for others - not true. But I've lived with this long enough to know, against all the odds and expectations and even against the voices that dominate for such long periods, it can be survived and fought and lived with. I write this now, because I know at another time none of these thoughts may be made available to me - they will be stolen and hidden and I won't even be able to produce a single optimistic thought.
But for now, I know they are true. And I will not presume they are also true for you, but given you write my very own thoughts and experiences, chances are they are true for you too. Not meaning to offend anyone by that.
Samerac Samerac
36-40
Jul 25, 2010