Addicted to a Good Thing

So...my family didn't hold me like families are supposed to.  When I was sad, I didn't go to my parents or my sister.  I relied on my friends.  Only one of them has really been able to handle it.  It's been a rough ride, but I think that story is for another topic.  I started my freshman year in college three weeks ago.  Before that I used to go dancing a lot.  It was so wonderful to be in someone's arms.  The movement felt good.  I feel like I got addicted to my own endorphins and being held.  I would have panic attacks at the idea of not being able to go dancing.  I would cry as I frantically searched for a ride, which I always seemed to find.  Then I got here.  Nobody was holding me once or twice a week anymore.  I freaked out.  Near the end of the first week of school, I had a break down over some money and spilled my life story to my RA.  It got so bad he recommended I see a counselor, which I've done once so far and I will do again in two days.  I want to be happy, I'm just trying to figure out how.  Now, getting to the experience itself.  Friday night, a mid-sized group of us decided to have a movie night.  Because the power cords were missing, we had to watch the movies on the biggest laptop we could find.  Somebody had some speakers, so it was totally fine.  The movie started, and everybody had someone to hold (even if it didn't mean anything) but me.  I was sitting by this guy I met that night.  You know, the quiet, tiniest bit awkward, but still sweet kind of guy.  We were all scrunched a bit on the couch so we could really see.  For the first movie, the closest he was to me was having his arm on the back of the couch behind me (not touching) and our knees happened to be pressed together because of the space issue.  For the second movie (a chick flick) most of the people had gone.  I was uncomfortable so he put his arm around me and let me lean against him for the whole movie.  My hoodie was bugging my neck but I didn't want to move.  He smelled nice.  He kept his arm around me until it fell asleep.  I felt so good on saturday, but now I feel ill because I want nothing more than to be held again.  I feel like I might have convinced myself I'm interested in him.  I don't know what to think.  I want to watch another movie simply to have him hold me again... 

EapanViolinist EapanViolinist
18-21, F
2 Responses Sep 13, 2009

You know I think I somehow how you feel . I like to be held too but it is hard to find the right person.

You know I think I somehow how you feel . I like to be held too but it is hard to find the right person.