LostI'm a planner. I like to have a sense of direction and a goal for the future. Right now everything is so up in the air and it's really starting to break me down. I don't know where I'm going to grad school or exactly what I'm going for. I don't know where I'll be living this time next year. And for whatever reason the thing that's most hard to come to terms with is that I have no idea where I am in my relationship. I don't want to lose my boyfriend. I love him, truly, but I just can't let myself believe he loves me. No matter how hard I try, I can'tget past the idea that I'm just a runner up to his ex- that he's only with me because he can't have her. Everytime I start to feel better about the issue something comes up that just knocks the wind out of me. In the beginning, he admitted to continuing to have residual feelings for her and he told his friend that I "wasn't the one". It broke me. But I started to recover and he has since said multiple times that that isn't how he feels. Why didn't I just get out then? That's always been my problem. I just can't seem to let myself give up. Everyone in my family has been divorced and I'm so petrified of just walking away and quitting that once I have committed myself to something I hold on with an iron fist, even if it seems like it's going to kill me.
So since then, I've felt stuck- like I'm not allowed to dream of a future with him. I've mostly blammed myself for not being able to get past this issue- there have been so many times he has shown that he loves me. But then his sister, his mother, my cousin, my parents, his friends- they ask me about about our future. And I have no answers. Nothing more than the "we'll cross that bridge when we get there" that he gives me whenever I try to ask him. It's heartwrenching. I know there is no way to know anything for certain, but to not even be able to hope? Then yesterday we were hanging out with two of his friends, a couple that has it all together, and my boyfriend was telling them about his plans to move into the city. It would be closer to me for a hot minute until it's time for me to go to grad school, but what about after? I'm not a part of the plan. His friend's response was "oh! would you two be moving in together?" I had to say no and I couldn't even look at his face. Why can his friend think about our future when he can't? Why was he prepared to marry his ex when he can't even discuss the two of us relocating together? Later that night he found a strand of his ex's hair in an old game he had. He became so upset and the knot in my stomach tightened while I comforted him. In a way, I'm glad I know the truth about these feelings but it still perpetuates my biggest fears. Why am I not enough? Is that my role? To be a mere comfort to loosing the love of his life? Would he miss me even half as intensely if he lost me? Even later this same night, I was looking through pictures on his computer and came across racy photos of exes. I know they are old, but it had me so upset that I threw up. Now the feeling is back with full force- that it's not me he wants. He deleted them, he got upset, he apologized, he held on to me all night, and was sad when he saw me sad this morning... but I'm struggling to shake it.
I don't know what the worst part of my story is. Maybe it's that I don't have anyone to talk to about this because I know what they would all say. More or less the resounding theme would be "get out now" because they don't want me hurt. But getting out would hurt me too. Not only would I lose someone I care deeply about, but I would always wonder if I made a mistake and overlooked all the love he has shown me out of my own stupid fear. Maybe it's that they wouldn't tell me what I desperately want to hear from an outside party- that I'm not crazy for staying with him and he does love me and my fears will subside eventually. The one person I really want to talk to is him and I can't do that either. He'd probably get angry- understandably. He'd tell me exactly what I'd want to hear- that it's in my head, that he loves me, that he's over her.... all things he has said many times before. I love him for that, but clearly it wouldn't help me believe him for more than a few moments. Or maybe the worst part is that I think I already know the answers but I'm searching for anything to help me deny it. He'll never move with me, if we even make it that far. He'll never get over her completely and no matter how many great things I do that should make me seem better than anyone else, I'll never be enough. Despite all the love and gifts and high regard I give him, everytime we fight he'll say "no one else does this" or "no one I've ever been with before would be upset about this". I don't want to end this. I want to be enough. Is the real tragedy that I am enough but I'm way to blind to see it even for a second? I really honestly don't know what else he could possibly do to reassure me. He is wonderful most of the time. Is it going to take a brick to fall on his head? Is it going to take a brick to fall on mine???
I want to know where I stand. I want some semblance of stability. I want to know that I'm loved beyond all doubt and more than anyone or anything else. But I can't. And it's eating me alive.
somnambulare 22-25, F 0 Apr 23, 2012