I Rarely Reveal My Negative Internal State, I Should Be Able To Share It With Anyone

I have bi-polar, my feelings and moods throughout a day are confusing and painful to say the least. To quote Thom Yorke 'Of all these weird creatures who lock up their spirits, drill holes in themselves and live for their secrets...'. I live in Australia and I adamantly state that it is socially unacceptable in this country to express that you are in a mood other than a good one. I don't think I have ever heard another human being speak in public 'Terrible I am so depressed...etc, etc' when asked 'How are you?'.
The utterly arbitrary question is always followed with an equally arbitrary response 'awwwww yeeeaaah, alright maaate', 'not tooo bad', 'yeah good mate'. I bury nails into my palm when I hear someone say 'Don't you hate it when people actually tell you how they are?'. Oh yes you're absolutely right, that individual should lie and speak only meaningless social drivel to spare you the mild social awkwardness of hearing someones experience of the human condition, god forbid your pleasant equanimity should be disturbed by the suffering of ANOTHER person. Yes they should feign being content, and repress any such desire to speak what they feel possibly resulting in added isolation and/or despair.
This utterly absurd behavior of human beings, the fear of the vulnerability of essentially BEING human. The amount of times I have been in a room full of people, everyone pretty much to a T, having something weighty on their conscience, their hearts full, to only fill the air with vapid empty social etiquette. I should be able to reveal myself to anyone I want, at any time I want. I suppose I feel this is a taboo, not because I've had it installed in me specifically the idea I can't reveal such things. But by default, I have assumed, since it is never or rarely practiced. Alone together! How absurd! We do not have to feel this isolated from one another, the limits are all self imposed! And we could die at any second. How ten-fold absurd it is then! Yes lets make our way to the graves unseen! Lets fill the void with tepid lies!
So much of our isolation is a bad habit, we do not communicate we speak. Those moments of communication are so few, when some of us drink too much beer and oh dear the truth slipped out just a bit! Let us go back to the tepid poisonous flow.
Sorolla Sorolla
22-25, M
1 Response Dec 4, 2012

Yeah that's true. If you're lucky there are those one, or two to confide in, but I feel there is this greater loneliness, this lack of community or partaking in something bigger than yourself. We're this jumble of bodies containing a vast amount of desires and fears. That insincerity that you present to even strangers on a daily basis, is not good for you. It breeds bad habits of further insincerity. Of lies, of lies, of lies. What a circus, pretty soon everyone is walking around bull-******** each other and lying to each other.
You know that pang you feel in your midsection when you lie about yourself? That deep dread you feel when you don't act yourself? A huge series of white lies are like little blows from a boxer, they slowly chip away at you, and weaken you.
Just as Charles Bukowski wrote “We're all going to die, all of us, what a circus! That alone should make us love each other but it doesn't. We are terrorized and flattened by trivialities, we are eaten up by nothing.”.
My point is, is that we live in such a half-arsed way. We could know each other far deeper, all those all too human fears we could share with one another right off the bat, and have a greater sense of connectedness. Instead of walking around scared and tired, discussing the weather.