I Didn't Know At First What I Was Doing...

I used to cut when I was around 15, but it wasn't a big problem and I stopped. Before that I had a weird habit of pulling the hair out on my scalp, because I liked the way the pain felt. By the time I was trying to stop I had about 4 quarter sized bald spots on my head. Wasn't pretty. This one was really hard to stop, and I still catch myself doing it every once and a while. The newest one, I dig my nails into my skin. I've done this since I was little, because again, I like how it feels. But now I do it to relax myself. I didn't even think it was SH. When I think of SH I think of cutting, burning, those sorts of things. And I would never leave marks on my skin from doing this, until recently. I would usually do it on my hands, fingers, wrist, and even on my gums a couple of times. I love the feeling when you leave a really deep mark and then kind of push on it. Its like a sharp, almost stinging kind of pain. Hard to explain. Lately my new spot to do this is right on the edge of my bottom lip, where it meets the skin. I also have to make sure its in the middle of my lip, so I do it in the same spot each time. Its still sore each time I do it, so it hurts more. I actually broke skin today doing it. I'll keep my nail dug into my skin for hours sometimes, so it usually a little swollen, but I haven't actually broke the skin before. I keep catching myself pushing my nail across it to get that sharp feeling. I know I shouldn't do it, but I really don't want to stop. It makes me feels better somehow and I enjoy it. It sounds really strange. But I guess it is strange.
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May 11, 2012