I Don't Understand Why!

My grandma died a couple of months ago, and I haven't been able to live with myself since then. Most of the issues started when she got really sick and started declining in health back in September. I was able to fly back to see her for a week, but wasn't able to see her again after that. Work demanded so much out of me and I was devastated on valentine's day when my mother called me to tell me grandma died:( That was just one thing going on in my life at the time. I just wanted to die. I called the chaplain at midnight one night to talk because I had enough. I didn't and still don't understand why I can be happy and ambitious and every once in a while get a overwhelming feeling of sadness and want to die. When this happens, I can't sleep and will go days without sleeping or eating. I wish I understood why this was happening to me. I have talked to my doctor but since they can't solve it with medication, they just don't pay attention to me. Does anyone else ever have that overwhelming feeling where the though of death is appeasing on a random basis? What do you do to fix it?
leilo leilo
26-30, F
May 7, 2012