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If Only...

Life is not supposed to be easy.  But is it supposed to be this hard, either?  There are times when things are just so hard I wish I could disappear.  I want to blow away in the wind, or sink into the earth, swim away without ever coming back.   Sometimes I think it would be easier if I had never existed.  No one sees what is really happening, or if they do, they don't really care.  My pain is invisible to them, even while it's consuming me. 

All my life has been about other people.  Having to control myself, my life, so I can give to others.  I feel so selfish wanting some time and peace for myself.  I can ask for help, but it's never a convenient time, or place, or anything.  There's always something more important, someone more important. 

I can't take any more.  And yet, I continue on...because I don't know anything else.  I want out, but I have too  much responsibility.  I can't let everyone down.  Help isn't coming...I'm on my own.  As always. 

I wonder what would happen if I disappeared one night...just didn't get the kids up in the morning, didn't show up to work, didn't come home & cook dinner, do the laundry, help with homework, clean the house, feed the cats...if I just wasn't there anymore...Would anyone miss me?  Does it really matter?  No and no. 

Peregrinita Peregrinita 46-50 Apr 4, 2010

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