Lonely life in highschool (Popularity and crave of belonging):

Hey everyone. My name is Corrine and I was in 9th grade for the school year 2013-2014. Life was hard for me during this year. I struggled with family, finding companions and friends, "popularity statuses, crushes, emotional well being, and school work. This was just a glimpse of what happened to me last year. Before 9th grade, I came from a school, different from the school I was enrolled in for 9th grade. In my previous school (that only went up to the 8th school grade), I was surrounded by familiar faces and people which I adored. I have been in my old previous since kindergarten all the way up to 8th grade so you could say that I knew everyone very well. I got along great with everybody because I was comfortable in my own skin (and because of the fact that I knew them). After I graduated from 8th grade, I said my last farewells to my fellow classmates as I ( and my friends) parted ways into our own journey in life. As the summer after 8th grade began, I suddenly became worried about my new school for which I would be entering 9th grade. I wondered "Will I make friends?", "Would people accept me for me?", and many other questions full of worry. As the summer flew by and school began in 2013 I would be going to my new school for the very first time. I was nervous yet excited to meet people. There is many things you should know about me: I am an introverted girl who is extremely shy,timid, and quiet when meeting entirely new people. In 8th grade, even though I knew everyone, I still felt left out because I wasn't exactly "popular" in the "cool kid's" standards. Anyway as I thought It would be a great first day at a new school, my bus was approaching to pick me up (this is no joke I'm serious), but it just flew past me without even picking me up and it didn't bother to stop either. This was a bad start to the school year. I don't remember what happened during most of the days I spent in that school but I can tell you one thing: I was extremely lonely and was left out of many things. Over the course of many weeks at my new school, I sat alone on the bus and there would always be an empty seat beside for which no one would take. I found music was the best way for me to cope with my struggles at school. I just wanted so badly to be recognized by others. Very quickly many of the other new students like me were becoming popular and noticed but not me. I didn't know what was a wrong with me but all I knew was that there was something wrong with me. I wanted to be different wand stand out from the crowd but not in this type of context. For the first few months, I cried almost every or every other night before I went to sleep, which then I had to deal with a bloated face and puffy red eyes in the morning. Not to be racist or anything, but I am an asian girl so when I cry, my eyes get so swelled up that I look like a complete train wreck. As I cried so much, my eyes stung and so did my self esteem, self love,and confidence. From this, this sprung a whole new root of problems. I just shrivelled up into an even more quiet/ distant-kind of always keep to yourself type of person and I hated it but I didn't know what to do. I felt silenced. I felt as if the whole world was moving on without me as I stood isolated in my own worries, knowing that no one would ever hear my screams of sadness. I felt like I was being engulfed by an ocean of tears.

I owned a luggage backpack for which you can pull around without carrying heavy textbooks on your back. I really didn't mind that I was the only one who had this backpack because it was unique, I stood out from the crowd, and that my back wouldn't be sore from all the carrying. Although many boys would make fun of my roller luggage bag backpack, I ignored them and learned to gain self confidence again. My school grades were good from the range of A to A+, even though school work was still quite challenging and difficult, especially public speaking or also known as debating. So as you read before, I am an extremely shy and quiet person but I wanted to join so I could learn how to be more open and talkative or others instead of being an antisocial recluse. The fact that I was an introvert did not do me no good as I never joined any sports clubs or any other clubs because of my low self esteem and self love and the worry of what others think of me. I eventually learned how to talk better to others even though I had one debate that went terribly wrong where I just froze and sat back down. All eyes were on me, including my teacher and I was so close to tears in that moment because I had known that I had failed in shame and that everyone would think I am horrible at proving my point. I felt like a failure but I kept strong and didn't cry, even though I was holding back a river. As more days past, it didn't really change much but I guess I learned to open up a little more. All of a sudden, I learned how to become independent, more empathetic,understanding, and more comfortable being alone with no one to "clique" with. I get that sometimes I would get down in the dumps as I looked through my Instagram feed/Facebook freed looking at the popular kid's photos and how many likes they have and comments like " omg your so pretty" or "I wish I was with you on that trip". This just made me feel more lonely. As moe months gone by, my mother also took a large toll on my life as well. She made comments like " you are getting fat" and " why can't you be more like them?" My mother would constantly compare me/ point out the pretty girls at my school, saying how pretty,tall, skinny,and smart they were and all this did to me was belittled my self love,sense of belonging, love, and esteem. I wasn't exactly suicidal all the way but I was depressed. I felt like a million pounds weighed down on the weight of my shoulders as if it was a balancing act. I just so badly wanted to fit in and not be lonely anymore and to also be like those pretty girls at school. I hated everything and everyone, but most importantly everything about myself. I have felt this way through the whole year, although the end of the year has gotten a lot better since the first day of school, even though it still sucks. By the end of the year, I had made 2 friends, won an academic award, and learned to be comfortable alone which I am proud of myself for. As the year of 9th grade ended and summer approached once again, I just relaxed. Now that school is starting again in 2014 as I enter 10th grade, I know that I am much wiser, kinder, more open, and understanding then I was before in 9th grade. Although I have much improved since 9th grade as I am entering 10th grade, I still long to be not as lonely as I was before and to be stronger getting through the last years of high schools and making many fun memories and happiness that will stay with me forever. Thank you for taking time out of your life to read this as I have taken time out of my life to write this. Any tips I could use for next year in high school and the years after this?
RynCori RynCori
16-17, F
Aug 19, 2014