Kiss Of Death

Everything I plan results in ashes, for I wish the wrong things?But who am I if not the things I wish from the heart, and the spikes I get as a result.Unending chain of questions surround me yet the world holds the answers from me like a secret.Every walk, every person, every ray of light is part of that secret, everybody seems to understand but I can't get it.I have felt loneliness, the warmth of a friend, and the love of a girl yet none was enough, it all  passed tru me that should not.But it wasn't true from the beginning, everything is fake, everything gets corrupted.I don't know why I wake up everyday, I don't even have a job, but when I had I always hated it.The disguise of modern slavery I hated, but freedom itself is also pointless, after a while...Then I got sick, I thought I will die, every doubt will end, every bad feeling that I wake up with will be gone, the loneliness, the emptiness around me, the suffering I see people I love wake up with, the little things that make us happy yet the next day its gone and this all results in meaningless cycles.Why do we do it?Why  even raise a family  in this evil world?And then when I felt death was close I started fighting against it with all my will, with all my energy left, I struggled for survival, and did not understand the negativity I had. Now I'm having a death wish again....I have thirst for self destruction and savagery, my anger is feeding this beast, but I can't put him to rest, he is me...I'm sitting on the rollercoaster of self disasters, drunken laughters and sobber days soaked in self pity and everyone seems to enjoy it, and they hold on to it like a machine, but I'd just get off this ride now.I'm bored of being a negative creep but it's my code I'm afraid, and I miss the sunglasses everyone is wearing in this crazy world...I envy you ppl out there.
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26-30, M
May 10, 2012