Just So Tired Of Being An Emotional Punching Bag

It's just so ******* hard. I have to balance normal teenage problems with a slightly verbally/emotionally abusive, anxiety-ridden, depressed mother along with a bipolar stepfather and an emotionally unstable younger brother. Forget the little half-sister I practically RAISED but now do not see as I refuse to have contact with my sociopathic father and psychotic stepmother. My half sister is the offspring of my father and stepmother, and was born while my biological parents were still married. My father cheated on and abused my mother while they were married. Hitting her, sexually abusing her, verbally, emotionally. He (like a classic control-hungry sociopath) isolated her from her friends and family....This was all five/six years ago. Now she's married and unemployed. We're always poor, and I get blamed for all our problems. I'm lazy, stupid, a slob, etc. I maintain almost perfect grades and do the best that I can in all I do. But it's never enough. I'm so tired of walking on eggshells all the time, just waiting for someone to snap on me, have a nervous breakdown or panic attack, etc. I cry almost daily and battle my own demons (depression, anxiety, the fear I'm turning out like my father) and yet, no one cares. They'd rather shout than listen. I never want to be home anymore. I see my friends, with happy, stable parents, and I'm so jealous. I just want someone to pay attention, to be proud instead of angry....to care. I just want to get away from it all. To be able to be happy, to have a family that wants me around at least part of the time. This constant turmoil and tension is KILLING me. I haven't slept more than 2-3 hours a night in an entire year. My life is one court case after another as my father sues my mom for custody, not because he cares, but because he wants to get back at her. I just want to run away. To live with ANYONE but the people I do. My father's a criminal, my mom needs help, and I'm caught in the middle. I just want it all to stop.
cowchicken cowchicken
13-15, F
2 Responses Jun 26, 2012

ithis is what is happening to me i wish i could leave i have thought about it so many times but i have nowere to go i often wounder would it be beter if im gone?

i can understand, absolutly and i feel for you trust me i do, my mother used to take her anger out on me because of my father, she has changed only because i ran away for 2 years and actually lived with my horrible father im not saying thats what will help with your sittuation it may but may not, but if you would like you could talk to me about anything because ie been through it i still struggle with my demons and i still fight for my freedom as my father loves to make our lives a living hell