The Fake Smile I Give

I don't even know where to start and I know I should be as concise as possible otherwise most will have a TL:DR attitude. I am 26 years old been married since I was 22 happily until tons of **** started to happen all of which I stood by my wife because it was all medical. After 4 yrs of bascally being beaten down verbally and also having a no sex relationship. I ended up cheating on my wife I hated the fact I did it but I needed it. Now to clarify my wife was 20 years old and had a full hysterectomy due to endometriol cancer. This left her in a state of menopause one of which she couldn't control due to the fact we had no insurance or way to afford the drugs for horomone replacement. Now after I cheated on her I felt so guilty I told my wife the following day and we tried to reconcile yet we worked opposite schedules and I ended continuing the affair with the afformentioned woman not cause I was attracted but because I needed some release of all the stress my daily life left me with. I know it was the wrong sort of release and had I just listened to my wife who told me she knew I would be frustrated ( I live in Las Vegas and it isn't a far drive to get that if you want to pay for it.) But I had told her I wouldn't pay for that because it felt it would be awkward. Yet one of our friends enticed me and sadly it was one of her closer friends. Me and my wife broke up (still married) but seperated and over the last year and a half I have had 2 relationships. One of which is serious and I am still committed into. The woman I am currently with is what would be my polar opposite yet we connect on many different levels. I love this girl without a doubt and I could see myself with her forever yet in the back of my mind and whenever I really think about it I can't get over the fact that I still love my wife. I know if me and her got back together it would be the same BS with our sex life and am afraid I would go down the same road. The girl I am with I know loves me and would be with me even if I did the most evil thing in the world yet I cant get past the fact that my wife will be perputally alone not just because of her issues but becuase of her demeanor as well. Nor can i dismiss the fact that I still love her even though I know we prob would rarely if ever have sex due to her issues yet the fact remains I love her and don't want her to suffer. Back to the girl I am with she is amazing everything I wanted my wife to be in the bedroom yet the polar opposite in many other ways. Thats not to say I dont love her because I really do, she is an amazing women does everything to please me even in ways i wouldn't imagine or ever ask. Yet my wife is left all alone ......I just want to leave it all wish i could drop my identity and leave everything and everyone i know behind start fresh and just let everyone think I am dead as I don't know what to do I don't know who I am as this is not who I thought i would turn out to be. Icould never off myself so that will never happen but I cant make it stop either and i just wish it would I wish i could just know what to do i just wish someone understood and wish that my life never even happened....all the lives i have become entwined to now start to unravel because i am unraveling and its all my fu cken fault i hate myself and wish i could just leave yet I cant nor do i know how to or def into the TL:DR area but so be it just FML
spamless86 spamless86
Jan 7, 2013