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Absolutely...

Borderline personality disorder, paranoid, easily upset, disturbed, very angry, rabid and broken.

I am broken.

There is no help, no hope, no love, no compassion, nothing for me now. Really, it's that devoid. Overdramatic? Sure. Melodrama never hurt anyone. I've been fighting my depression for years and once I think I've made a dent, I get told to "move ten spaces back" and I feel like a failure in every aspect of my life.

I don't want to live anymore. I do, honestly, but not like this. I don't want my life or this life. I am not happy with my life, who I am, what I had to see, what I will see and where I'm going and where I've been. I would destroy it all if I was given the power.

Fear.

I fear death in a way that every human does on a strong instinct. Survival. Stay alive.

So it's my deepest wish right now that somebody would put a gun to my head and blow a hole through it. Remove me from the planet, send me to the pearl gates of Heaven. Gone.

I suppose there's better ways of suicide, but that would require me to do it and I don't have the power over my instinct to do it. So I would like that choice removed from me. Make the decision final and I have no say in the matter.

If you're reading this and don't understand, don't try to. Life is not sunshine, dreams and happiness for all of us. The grass is not always greener on the other side. I don't want to be like this, but this is my fate.

If you're reading this and understand, in depth of what this feels like, I commend you for being able to withstand it.

 

Neur0ticism Neur0ticism 18-21, F Jun 27, 2008

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