Why Do Women Or Men Stay With Control Freaks?

I just got off the phone with my friend. I won't say any names but he is iin a different state than her and she lets him control everything she does. He cracked into her facebook account and chews her out if she just even talks to another man? Now I think I would tell him to kick rocks, but as they say love is blind. I feel that my friend is blind. She is also a very young adult so it just might be the whole "puppie love" thing. I really don't know. I feel sorry for her and feel she deserves better than that. Oh well she says she loves him and I see him control her even from a different state. She wants to move to where he is at. I actually fear for her cause as angry as he gots he just might hit her. Than I have this cruel side of me that doesn't feel sorry for her at all cause she should just move on. I've tried talking to her and it goes in one ear and out the other. I just wonder why people stay with people like that.
Tara277 Tara277
31-35, F
9 Responses Apr 23, 2012

Dependency and fear of not finding anyone else to love them.

The hormones haven't worn off yet.

Cute, I like that and that is a valid point!

Yes assumed Love is blind. We work like that via default. At times there are those who like being controlled. Kinda along the line of a Master / Slave sorta thing. That can have its rewards as I am sure you know. Then there are those who ARE controlled by a troll type person. A Real *******. They do not really love them as much as they love the control of a person. In that case the controller would be happy with anyone they get to control. And they love doing that to others because they do feel so out of control themselves. Its weird I know.<br />
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Because of the anger issue I would be concerned for my friend too. But we all have to remember, we can not help anyone who will not help themselves. And this is just such a situation it looks like. Just love your friend and trust all will be fine. You said it yourself....Deaf Ears!

try threatning the guy =)

I can only speak for my sellf ,I stayed 20 years with one he was also abusive too. I stayed for 20 years I was in fear of my life to leave I was threated if i lefted he would kill me and my daughter . theres more to it. my father was a controler so i was attracted to a controler i didnt set out to find a controler no one wants to be controled and abused. so many just dont understand they havent walked in my shoes in abuse . but now i am in a good marrage he doesnt own me and i dont own him or controle him and he doesnt<br />
controle me . check the roots of the person that stays with a controler the parents may be a controler and thats the first people you have a realstionship with is your parents, your parents if they both are controlers you may find a husband or wife thats a controler becalse as a young person thats all you knew as learing about relationships. it goes so much deeper than what you judge on the surface of the person so i would think try to be kind and compassnate to a person thats in a controled relationship they are in abuse and maybe they dont know how to get out of it. and controle is abuse. so maybe ask your friend about her parents and see if her mother was a controler or the father was a controler. it does go deeper than some one just loving to be controled its not fun. I would be you your friend isnt happy in her relationship of controle. try to be understanding . you may help her or him just by being there for them .I hope I dont sound harsh by what ive said but ive been there and i do understand why people stay in abuse . oh my husband friend controles his wife and i cant stand the man .good luck with your friend .

I've always thought that a woman may stay because they feel as though as a couple they have been through so much and if they have been together for awhile that maybe she hopes he will change. OR maybe she feels as though that is his way of showing his love for her? I'm not sure but I hope she wakes up before she ends up in a bad situation.

I have been in a relationship like this once, and only once at the age of 16. Luckily the normal BS about "I wouldn't be able to make it on my own" didn't apply to me, because I had other options. I have looked back now, and the truth is had I not been going through some very difficult things in my life, and having to cope with the abuse that I had endured at home, I would not have given this guy a second look. He didn't start out controlling, but he knew how to isolate me, and he knew how to get me exactly where he wanted me. He was 19, almost 20. He had apparently done this before, or had learned it at home. His brothers ALL treated women the same way that he did. I did not know this going in. I was lucky that I got out because I knew if I didn't act while I was still pregnant, once my child was born, I would have been trapped. <br />
His behavior had gotten worse over a fairly quick amount of time. He actually thought that he would get me to see that his jealousy was a good thing. I mean a girl will usually feel good if the guy is a little jealous, but not like he was. I didn't wear anything he deemed to short, too tight, or anything that was even close to sexy. It got to the point if I refused to change, he would pin me, and rip what he could on the article(s) that would ruin them, so I had to not only take them off, but throw them out. He also began to tell me who I could and could not speak to, and yes at sixteen I could tell you about a couple of incidents that would make your blood run cold. The males are very resourceful and the one I was with should have stayed in school, he could have been a good car salesman, or maybe an attorney. Girls often stay because they are convinced that no one will love them like their abuser will, that he will kill himself if she leaves, if the verbal bullying doesn't work, they don't mind to hit, punch, drag by the hair of your head, just about anything. They also seem to enjoy pinning you when you say that you are not in the mood, it's like they think it's a fun sporty activity. IT IS RAPE,but they don't see it that way, and they can convince a girl that it isn't rape if you are BF and GF. BS, it is rape if you are man and wife. I hope your friend gets out before it's too late. Her life will be miserable, and if she isn't careful, it could end up tragically cut short. Many have this mentality of "If I can't have you, no one will".... I am hoping you can get her to talk to someone that will tell her the things that go on behind closed doors, because it gets brutal and it is playing with fire....she is risking her life...

As far as an abusive relationship, which this seems to fall into the category; some victims have low self esteem and feel they don't deserve better or if they are used to a similar situation they go with what they know. <br />
I agree, if he's that controlling she will probably end up being a victim of domestic violence.

Very well said. I have been in this situation, but i waited until things had gotten much worse....

We stay, because we are not in CONTROL, they are. To get away from a control freak, you really need some serious intestinal fortitude. Can't be weak or afraid to be alone.

Yes, I agree. They do everything they can to make you believe that you can't make it "without them", and if that fails, they start threatening the people you love the most. I was lucky since I was only 16 and I had seen this kind of bullying behavior growing up. I knew I had to go, and being under 18, made that possible. He still contacted me, but I was too far away for him to "get to me", thank God..... You are right though......