Spacing In the Form of Daydreams.....

I don't actually "space out" in terms of becoming completely unaware of my surroundings, etc. (except for occasionally), but what I do do is retreat into my mind on a regular basis. I daydream constantly, no matter where I am or what I'm doing. When things go wrong, or I get really stressed, it happens even more. It's to the point where it's completely unhealthy, I know. I have an entire world within my head. There is an entire cast of characters, most of which have been there since the daydreaming started, aging as I age, though some are characters, or based off characters, that I've read in books.

It started when I was in the tenth grade, during health class. I had always had a hard time dealing with school, partly from the extreme social phobia/anxiety I've always had, partly from the harassment I received throughout my childhood from other children, as well as adults. In the tenth grade, I had a horrible teacher who would single me out in front of the entire class, saying terrible things to & about me. I became terrified to go into his classroom, but I had to go, or else I'd fail. I started missing school because of my social anxiety when I was in the seventh grade & I had been trying very hard to go to school, despite the fact, & knowing I had to face his ridicule everyday made it far more difficult than it already was. While I was in his class, I started daydreaming just to get through it. His class was the first of the day & I'd end up spending most of the rest of the day daydreaming. I remember having a thought, toward the beginning, during one of his classes, that it was going to be something that was going to be very hard to stop doing. Well, that was eleven years ago, & it's still going on, only much more frequently.

I spend most of my day existing in two worlds: this world, & my imaginary one. it's hard not to retreat to my imaginary world because it's so much more inviting. My life in the real world is completely meaningless (though that's not the right word) & unfulfilling, whereas my imaginary world is full of everything I want, have never had & need. I've never done anything in life. I have the life experience, in most ways, of a twelve year old & I'm 27. I've never even had a job, muchless done anything else. I hope to God I'll someday attain at least some of what is in my imaginary world. At least then I can be at least somewhat happy. In my mind, I have friends, a significant other, a job, & am basically the person I would otherwise be, were it not for my social difficulties.

I have been going to college since January 20, &, since people rarely talk to me, it's actually been going okay. Although a regular passage in life for most people, this is a very huge accomplishment for me. I had a very hard time adjusting at first, but am getting used to it, though it's very difficult for me to go. In fact, I go tomorrow & am dreading it. But the fact that I go, regardless of my trepidation, is a good thing, I know, & I'm proud of myself for it. I'm going to school to become a librarian, which, although it will take me 8-10 years, is what I've always wanted to be.

Despite my attempts to better myself, however, I continue to daydream almost non-stop. the characters are a part of me, there continuously, no matter what I'm doing, day or night. Existing purely in this world is just too depressing & also boring. I need something to take my mind off of the monotony of everything. I'm also a writer, which is an area that my characters come in very handy. Nearly everything I write is based off of a character I have in my head.

While daydreaming, I go off to my own little world & the outside world just melts away. My daydreams become so real, it's as if they're all that exists. I've been told by people that I look as if I'm off in my own little world, which I actually am. I know that the daydreaming is incredibly excessive & I know I shouldn't do it. I've tried to stop, but really don't want to, which is partially why it hasn't worked. I'm sure that as my life becomes more & more complete, the daydreams will lessen. I don't know if they'll ever completely go away, but I think that if I have a life of my own that is fulfilling, there won't be a need for the fantasy like there is now. Daydreaming is a coping mechanism for me. It's a way for me to block out what's going on around me. It's good for my social phobia because it's almost as if I'm not even there, even if I'm in a room full of people. They're good for my mental state because they keep me from getting depressed about my state of life, even though it is a false reality.

lyricalongings lyricalongings
31-35, F
2 Responses Mar 10, 2009

That's exactly how it is with me. It's nice to know I'm not the only one :)

Thats sounds exactly like me . I fantasize alot , the whole cast of characters thing i really understand , my cast has changed quite a number of times . Somtimes id pretend i was off to bed when i was really just fantasizing . It is so delightful to have somewhere to run away to , i know that it is sometimes to the degree where it is unhealthy , where you simply fantasize to live , live to fantasize . but alas sometimes life sucks , SUCKS ALOT . You need that fantesy to get you threw the day , to get up in the morning , it is to the degree where it is unhealthy with me but hey it's never been anyway else . The stories i make up in my head are sometimes the highlight of my day .