My Mother Told Me I Was A Mistake

She told me I was the worst mistake of her life. That adopting me was the worst mistake she had ever made. She regretted my adoption. I asked her why she kept me. She said she had no other choice and my dad didn't want to keep me in the divorce. Tremendous amounts of guilt washed over me.
A tear rolled down my young face, I was twelve. I told her I was sorry, I didn't know what to do about it. She said of course you don't know, your answer to everything is I don't know. It made her mad that I would answer her questions with 'I don't know.' But any other answer incensed her to hit me. Or sneer at me. At least when I answered I don't know, she would just tell me how stupid I was and then proceed to inform me of what I would know.
I forgot about it. I buried it. I thought I had rolled it off.
Looking back all these years later, and I can see how I have allowed her words to direct my journey. I have watched myself cautiously step through life, trying not to be a burden to anybody. Trying not to make any more mistakes. Sometimes in steep fear I have allowed others to make decisions for me so I wouldn't have to live with making yet another mistake.
I'm can't do it any more. I believe that I am not a mistake, I don't make mistakes. I make choices, just like everybody else. I am responsible for my decisions and my adopted mother is responsible for her decisions. I will make a choice and not fear that its a mistake.
I hope.
I can rationalize and mistrust and hold people at arms lengths for fear of making another mistake. Or I can embrace them and hope they forgive when I make less than perfect choices.
This is all I can do.
turquoiseturtle turquoiseturtle
36-40, F
Apr 3, 2013