Stress, Depression, and Anxiety Make Me Anti-Social

I spend so much time alone that I have conversations in my head with people who don't exist... I'm not even kidding you. I long so deeply to have people to talk with, people to get to know me, but there are so few who take the time to do so. Although I'm sure I make it hard for people to get to know me because of how incredibly shy I am. Why am I so shy? Because I find it hard to trust people with the deep things of my heart, or even just the stories of the activities of my life. I want to share these things, however, and thus you see as to why I'm here. To do what I can to share stories of my life, and also my opinions, with others.

Here's a bit more about myself... I am currently 21 and engaged to my first boyfriend who is also my high school sweet heart. I can talk with him about anything and everything, but of course he has to work like everyone else does so I miss him when he's gone. He's also going to college which makes him twice as busy. This does not bother me in the least! But I do do get lonely and long for female company.

I, personally, am not working or going to college. It's very stressful for me when people become overbearing in trying to force me to do these things. I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis when I was 17 years old, but got the onset of the disorder when I was 16. My arthritis affects every joint in my body and makes it very hard for me to physically work. I can't sit for long periods in time nor can I stand for long periods in time. Likewise, if I use my hands all day, they swell up to the point where I can't use them. What job am I even capable of without a college education? As for gaining a college education, what's even the point? I want to become a stay at home Mom one day anyway... Why bother racking up all that debt for a degree I won't use? Besides, you should have seen what my high school grades were... Truly pitiful... I don't know if I even have the ability to pass through college. I'm such a slow learner that there's no way I think that I can keep up! So why not practice self discipline, teach myself, and take advantage of only free learning opportunities?...

And so, since I am neither in college or working, the most opportunities I have of meeting people is at church, hanging out with old high school friends, and visiting my family. Through all this, however, I feel as if the only close friend I really have is my fiance. He's the only person I feel I can truly be myself around. That's fine and all... but I miss the days of middle school when I could be myself around all my friends. By this I mean how hyper, happy, go-lucky, and totally unpredictable I was by means in which always made people laugh. I want that back, you know? But I've just been through so much physical and emotional pain... how can I really trust people enough to just let loose around them like I did as a kid?

During my junior year of high school would have to be the peek of my anxiety of social persecution. I was publicly humiliated on the school news. I handled very adult-like, especially for a 16 year old, but the pain remains with me to this day. Why does the world hate me so much? Why must I have to go through so much pain? Why won't more people try and comfort me? These are questions in which I probably already know the answer to... Still... They are FEELINGS in which are emotionally disabling.

The way I feel is that the only way I'll become socially healthy again is if I somehow meet more kind people who are never critical of the things I have done. If I somehow meet more kind people who try and understand me, and there after try and find means by which they can help me, maybe I can learn how to stop being alone all the time!

One thing I know that I really want to do is find a therapist to help rid me of social anxiety issues... However, I'm afraid of telling my Dad that I want to see a therapist because I don't want him to worry or scold me (I'm still on his insurance). I don't know... I'm just always SO depressed and SO anxious about everything. I feel paralyzed even and too terrified to really make any difference within my life. I want to change so that I may have many, many friends but how do I do it when I'm always so distressed and criticized by stupid people? I don't know... My family seems to be cool with what I'm doing as they say nothing to me about it and do everything they can to take care of me until I'm married, but I so often times worry that they might someday criticize me in small ways. I wish more people were there to tell me everything will somehow work itself out because I can't see the way right now, you know? Just saying...

I'm... So... DEPRESSEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!~

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May 22, 2012